Sunday, 30 January 2011

Is this the end or just the beginning?

I guess this is a significant week in our family.  Tuesday (hopefully) sees the last session of chemo for Rich at our local hospital.  Everyone sees this as a good thing, they see this as the end but you know what, for us it is just the beginning, just another step in this long journey.
We (although i should say "he") still have to face the spinal chemo, which on our last visit we learnt would be 4 treatments, one a week for a month, a tough tough month.
Then there is the PET scan, the results of which will tell us how the treatment has worked and will hopefully tell us that the cancer has gone.
Then there is the check ups, the countdown until we get the all clear.  But even then its not the end because he has his whole life ahead and every ache, every sniffle, it will be there, at the back of our minds, like a silent stalker.  I guess in some ways you can say that the cancer is here for good now, because although (fingers crossed) he will get the all clear, it has already invaded our lives and its never going to leave even when its gone.

Also this week our eldest, Jade, turns 9.  Unfortunately it has worked out that his last chemo falls on her birthday so we had her party early with her friends and hopefully the plans I have made for Tuesday will make up for the fact her daddy will be pretty much out of it for the day.  I also hope to god that this is the only birthday he will have to "miss".  If he has to sacrifice this one to make sure he is there for the rest of them then so be it.

There is so much of him that I miss, there is so much of our relationship that I miss, i cant wait to get them back, I will fight to reclaim the things that cancer has taken away from us because if we dont get them back then the cancer has won hasnt it!
It seems as time goes on I get more and more emotional.  Cuddling up next to him in bed, i struggle to fight back the tears, the what if's and the why's, I love him so much it hurts, it makes my heart ache to think of all he (we) have been through and i dont think we will ever understand why.

A special friend of mine posted some things in her blog tonight that I can identify with even though our situations are so very different, I hope she does not mind me sharing the bits that stood out:-

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. 

Well the insomnia is finally leaving me so its time to go and hold my man tight and close and pray i get to hold him tight every night as long as I live!

1 comment:

  1. Ally, sending you lots of warm thoughts and big hugs.