Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Number 5!

Well that's chemo number 5 out of the way!  It was a long wait today, we arrived at 9:30 as usual and were sent straight to the day ward for Rich to settle himself on a bed (after his fainting episode he is no longer allowed to sit in the comfy chairs).  Tracy, his assigned nurse, came and put the heat pack on his hand straight away and after a few minutes Dr Mike came and put his cannula in.

Then we waited, and waited and waited a bit longer.......I got a little bit peckish and wandered off to the shop to get some food hoping that by the time I returned they would have got underway, no such luck!  I sat and ate my food and then finally about 11:30am Tracy came in with the drips and off we went!

Treatment is always very quick, about half an hour usually.  Tracy is very good and chats away nineteen to the dozen about random things which helps to make the time go by faster and also puts you at ease a little (as much as you can be with toxic drugs being pumped into the body of the man you adore)  During treatment I often trek down to pharmacy to collect all the drugs that he will be taking for the next week or so.  There are steroids (20 a day), stomach settlers, anti gout and 2 types of anti sickness (although he still manages to be sick!)  This is a huge contrast to his life before cancer when he wouldn't even consider taking paracetamol for a headache.

The drive home is probably worse than the drive there, treatment has become familiar now, we know how the process works and although its an anxious time, he is in safe hands and we know now what's coming.  Today's drive home was painfully silent which made me anxious, was there something wrong and he wasn't telling me?  Was he feeling sick already?  What was going through his mind?  I still cant answer those questions as he is a typical man who keeps it all in and will only show fear and anxiety through stropiness which I have learnt to ignore.  I also feel a sense of relief when we leave the hospital, I feel as though I have him back, he is in my care now and I can look after him.  I know the nurses on the day unit are fantastic beyond words but at the end of the day we are trusting them with his life, and that is a hell of a lot of trust to put into someone! When he is home he is mine, I can wrap my arms around him and protect him from the outside world.

Today I am tired and frustrated.  I feel like the responsibility for everything is on my shoulders and i'm constantly thinking about 3 days ahead, trying to mentally prepare who is going where and doing what on which day.  I sometimes feel resentful that this has come into our lives at this time.  I got cross this morning that after getting up at 7:30am, getting the two girls up and dressed, Jade off to the bus then Richie up and fed, bottles made ready for his day an nannies, bag packed and ready to leave by 8:45 and all Rich has to do is get up, dressed and make his breakfast then off we go.  I am not in his position so I don't know how thought consuming it can be going for chemo or to have cancer.  He has said before that he needs to focus on himself and I can totally understand that, this is his life on the line, but at the same time his family need him and his children and growing and changing so fast that he needs to cherish every second with them no matter what is going on.
I lost my dad when I was 7 and grew up not knowing what it was like to have that father and daughter relationship and my biggest fear has always been that I would lose Rich too.  Until now we have had our feet comfortably under life's table but now things are different, now we have had a second chance and I need to make the most of life and what it has in store!

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