Last night I was laying in bed reading "Confessions of a GP". As books go its ok, a light read i suppose you would call it. Last nights chapter was about the GP's friend who died from Lymphoma and wham, it all comes flooding back. I was trying to think back to Richie's first few months and all i can remember is hospital visits, leaving him at my mum's, a few times where he came to the hospital and got fussed over by the tea ladies, and they really fussed over him lol! But thats about it. I dont remember that first smile, the first time he clapped hands, all those little special moments that I wont get back and this does make me sad.
I have spent an hour or so this evening reading back over my blog and it is almost as if it has been written by a stranger. Perhaps it is my minds way of coping with it all by blocking it all out but in the process my baby boys first year has been blocked out too, and not just him either, I dont seem to have noticed Sofia growing and changing. She is such a darling little girl (challenging at times i must add lol) and her sense of humour and comedy timing is fantastic. She is a proper little ray of sunshine in this household. Her and Richie have developed an incredibly close relationship and are a proper comedy duo in creche.
It is hard to believe that any of this actually happened, hard to comprehend, hard to understand and hard to find meaning to it all.
Rich said to me last night that he wondered what would have happened had the hospital not found it or he had not gone to the Dr's that day, would he be dead now. I cant even process that thought.
I asked him if he was as scared as I was about it coming back, his reply "Time to sleep now" his answer says it all.