Well today was the first session of Intrathecal Chemo for Rich. He was very nervous about it and had been having dreams about the procedure. He never shows this, he is like a swan, calm on the surface but paddling like crap underneath!
I on the other hand seem to have been a wreck the past few days, my head has been like a fuzzy cloud, I have been very lethargic and just not myself. I try so hard to keep up the facade, the happy persona, the normal me cos thats what people expect isnt it. When they ask how you are coping they dont really want to hear the truth, they dont want to know if you cry yourself to sleep, that you are struggling to function, that even getting out of bed in the morning is an achievement! I dont even tell Rich how im feeling because its not his worry, he does not need to know when he has got so much going on in his own life.
I wonder if it is selfish of me to be struggling in this way when Rich seems to be sailing through it all. I have the easy job, i dont have the pain, the sickness, the worry about the future that he does. In comparison my life is easy.and i feel some kind of resentment towards myself for having these feelings but I cant help the way I feel.
In reality the chemo wasnt that bad, not as bad as the usual chemo, no sickness etc, just a little back ache. I am so immensely proud of him, he is keeping it all together without the need for pills, without the dramas, the highs and the lows. I guess this makes him the stronger person.
He has 3 more IT chemos to go and still waiting for the results of his PET scan. I want this all to be over and done with now, i feel like everything is on hold.
I try and focus on a positive future for us all because its all I have right now.