Well today was the first session of Intrathecal Chemo for Rich. He was very nervous about it and had been having dreams about the procedure. He never shows this, he is like a swan, calm on the surface but paddling like crap underneath!
I on the other hand seem to have been a wreck the past few days, my head has been like a fuzzy cloud, I have been very lethargic and just not myself. I try so hard to keep up the facade, the happy persona, the normal me cos thats what people expect isnt it. When they ask how you are coping they dont really want to hear the truth, they dont want to know if you cry yourself to sleep, that you are struggling to function, that even getting out of bed in the morning is an achievement! I dont even tell Rich how im feeling because its not his worry, he does not need to know when he has got so much going on in his own life.
I wonder if it is selfish of me to be struggling in this way when Rich seems to be sailing through it all. I have the easy job, i dont have the pain, the sickness, the worry about the future that he does. In comparison my life is easy.and i feel some kind of resentment towards myself for having these feelings but I cant help the way I feel.
In reality the chemo wasnt that bad, not as bad as the usual chemo, no sickness etc, just a little back ache. I am so immensely proud of him, he is keeping it all together without the need for pills, without the dramas, the highs and the lows. I guess this makes him the stronger person.
He has 3 more IT chemos to go and still waiting for the results of his PET scan. I want this all to be over and done with now, i feel like everything is on hold.
I try and focus on a positive future for us all because its all I have right now.
This blog is my view and feelings whilst watching my Fiancé going through chemotherepy treatment for ALTCL non hodgkins lymphoma.
You should tell Rich how you feel as it is his worry too, does this mean that the way Rich is feeling and the illness is not your worry. It is not selfish to feel as you do, it is normal. Don't think you have the easy job, sometimes it is just as hard as what Rich is going through. You may not be in pain or have to physically go through treatment but mentally you still go through it with him, you still feel what he feels. You think you don't have to worry about the future, but you do, it is not just Richie's future that is at stake, yours is too.
ReplyDeleteIt is also normal to want this to be over and done with and to feel everything is on hold. I felt that way too. It is the unknown that is scary. I wanted to know exactly what was going to happen but the professionals don't always know. It is that type of illness isn't it.
I think you should tell Rich how you feel, if you are as close as you appear to be he will know how you are feeling anyway, don't try to take it all on your shoulders, it is difficult to keep feelings to yourself. Bob always seemed to know when I was down even if I had a smile on my face. If I allowed Bob to look after my feelings occasionally it made him feel useful. Please keep focussing on that positive future you both have together with your children.