Monday, 16 May 2011

It was broken, so im fixing it!

Life that is, or rather me.
My blogging has been sporadic of late, as has everything else in life.
Its a rather long, boring and tiresome story so I wont bore you with the ins and outs but ill provide the basics.

So ill rewind a bit, back to the fantastic day where Rich finished his treatment and we said goodbye to the hospital, only it wasnt a fantastic day, it was a sad day, a scary day because we are now alone!  I dont mean alone in the sense of being the last 2 people on earth, although sometimes it feels that way.  I mean alone as in suddenly there is no one responsible for his care, its just us.  We dont have the security blanket around us anymore and thats scary.  The what ifs are still there, what if it comes back, what if we dont know its there again, what if they forget about him?  Ok the last one maybe a bit extreme but it feels like that as there are no more appointments, no more treatment.  Its just all gone!

So everyone kept saying to me how relieved I must be and I put on the happy face and say yes but inside im saying no im not, im scared.
I felt that I should be relieved, people kept saying how strong I was but I wasnt but felt I should, people kept saying I should be this and should be that and I wasnt and I felt like I was a failure.  I wasnt meeting other peoples expectations of me, but more importantly I wasnt meeting my own and I found that hard to deal with.  This feeling of failure was building and building and building and with the GP withdrawal of my meds it finally came to a head.  I cant quite describe what happened as I dont know, i just kind of imploded.  I decided that the best way to stop letting other people down was just to cut myself off from everyone and everything, friends, family, even my own children.  I just didnt want to function.
I went to a very dark place, somewhere I never want to visit again, it cost me friendships although some will say if your friends cant be there for you when you are at your lowest point then they are not friends but on the flip side, if you cut yourself off and dont allow people in then how can they help?
I felt that I was at a point of no return but thanks to some very very special people, some of who sat up talking to me online till 3am in the morning listening to me rambling the most inane things that made no sense to me never mind them!
But with their love and encouragement I got help, I got my meds reinstated and the cloud has started to lift again.  I have spoken to a counseller who is helping me to put things into the place they should be and not the jumble mix of mess that was in my head.
Im far from fixed, its going to be a long process and I accept that now, I accept that I have to be me, not who people expect me to be.
To help with this I decided I needed a focus, that is what spurred me on to start my business.  It is a scary prospect, I stand to lose a lot if it fails BUT its up to me to make sure that does not happen.  Its something that I can be in control of and I guess that is what I need at the moment.  I lost control of so many things in my life that I needed to regain something back.

I still have a list of things I need to do, I need to regain control of my eating which spiraled, I need to regain my enthusiasm for running and training for my race and I need to regain some normality back in my life.  Im taking steps to do this, baby steps, one thing at a time.
Its been almost 2 weeks now since I fell and I am thankful for the people that picked me up and dusted me off.  I wont forget that, ever.

So there we have it, me laid bare (ish) Its been a tough blog post to write but therapeutic at the same time!  So back to blogging, but with Ally v.2 :0)


  1. Really brave honest post Ally. I'm sure version.2 will be just as fab as v.1! xx

  2. You are so brave to write this. I too, have been in that very dark place. Mine was a completely different situation, but I can still relate to how you felt. It was very difficult, but I managed to pick myself back up (with the help of medication and wonderful people who took time out and made me talk to them) and continue on with my life.
    I'm glad that you are back, and like Caz said, v.2 will be just as great as v.1!

  3. mwah

    youve been there for me, and i will always be here for you - lighting the way in the dark for each other. x

  4. As once somebody said and I keep coming back to these words when feeling low:
    ''I have been in many moments that I thought I couldn’t take much more of...and in all those moments I said, “these things may seem too BIG for me, TOO much to handle, I can’t take anymore!”...
    STOP....take a deep breath...say, “I’m ok....I am much stronger than I think. I can go through anything...and just like that broken shattered mirror that shines are sparkled more and more because of all it’s brokeness... we will shine and sparkle more!”
    I hope you can find something in this for yourself :)
    You ARE a strong person after all you have been through, I believe you CAN DO!

  5. I know what you mean about feeling alone when treatment stops and support drops off, but you are never alone..there are always people out there willing to support and your blog proves this. Clarexx