Tesco made me cry!

Its probably not the first time I have cried during a visit to Tesco, usually it is after the cashier presses the total button and the amount comes up on the little screen.  But today was different.

We went with the specific purpose to buy fathers day pressies for Rich.  I have struggled this year with what to get him.  My plan was to get him a second hand Iphone but i guess everyone loves theirs so much they dont want to part with them, I know it would take a brave person to try and separate me from mine!

Anyway Sofia, Richie and I were on a mission.  We chose our gifts (not very exciting compared to an Iphone but hey ho!) and then headed off to the card section, and thats what made me cry.  I stood there trying to decided which card I should get for him from the girls and then it clicked, its not just the girls this year.  He has a son too.  Now thats not a new thing, after all Richie is 8 months old now (Eeeek where did those 8 months go!) but this is the first fathers day since Richie was born.  Its the first time I could get a card that says "From your son Daddy"  Just 4 words, 4 very simple words but enough to make me cry!

Rich is a fantastic dad, he is the best that I could have wished for when I pictured a daddy for my children.  The girls stick with him like glue when he is home, they love to help him in the garden or in the shed and I love watching him read them a story but I knew deep down that he wanted a son.  Someone he could pass on his name to, continue the family tradition, do "boy" things with.  I am proud that I gave him this gift, well, all 3 gifts but to have his son, especially at the time Richie was born, just made things all that more special, almost like a gift from someone who knew!

So buying a card that said "From your son, Daddy" was one of the proudest moments of my life.  So here it is, the small little thing that made me cry

This time last year I picked up the first funny card I found and a few bits and bobs, I never really appreciated the sentiment behind "Fathers day" after all I grew up without a dad so I guess the understanding and appreciation of the father/daughter and father/son relationship isnt really there, but this year I realise the importance of it for our children.  They still have their dad, they have another chance so this fathers day will be a special one for us.

Make sure on sunday you give your dad a tight squeeze and thank whoever you believe in that you have him in your life.  Dads are special!

That ole waiting game again!

Yesterday morning we went back to the hospital for a consultant appointment.  Rich is still getting a nagging ache in his shoulder so enough was enough and I called the chemo day unit for an appointment.

Walking back through those yellow doors into the waiting area brought back all those old feelings of waiting for test results, chemotherapy, blood tests and the like.  It's amazing how quickly you forget those feelings and also how quickly they come back when you see an object that triggers it.

So in we walk and Rich is sent to the beds to wait.  The consultant comes to talk to him and it was obvious that Rich was nervous as he just wont stop talking!  He suggested bloods and a scan to check the shoulder area.  Bloods were taken there and then but its now a waiting game for the scan.

I really thought (perhaps naively) that once we had the last scan that we would be free of cancers grip, free to get on with living our life as a family, but it seems that cancer is not yet ready to let go of its grip on our lives!

So here we are....waiting for the scan date...waiting to find out if its back....waiting.....

Tomorrow is the day...

that I have been waiting for since last year.  Its TAKE THAT day!!!!  

I first saw TT in concert during their circus tour and they were AMAZING!!!  It wasnt the first concert I had been to but most certainly the best.  The staging and theatrics were fantastic and I loved it all so when they said they would be going on tour this year I was determined to get tickets come what may!  I knew from trying to get Circus tickets that it wasnt an easy task and wasnt looking forward to spending hours trying to get through to the ticketmaster website or phoneline but was prepared.  Then out of the blue, a few days before hand a friend messaged me on facebook to say that a local coach company were running a trip to the concert and tickets would be on sale through them the day before general release.  9am came on that day and I was on the phone and my tickets booked.

I booked 3, 1 for me, 1 for my friend Anna and one for my 9 year old.  I didnt mention anything to her about the tickets until her birthday this february when I put a message in her birthday card to say that in June she would be going to see TT in concert.  She was thrilled to bits!!!

I try and give her as many opportunities and experiences as I possibly can.  We didnt have chances like this when I was her age and would have given anything to go and see my fave bands in concert so I am only too happy to give her these opportunities!

So tomorrow is the day!  My TT t'shirt is in the washing machine at the moment and I have the challenge of finding hers somewhere in the pit she calls her bedroom.  Im not sure ill manage it by tomorrow and sitting her blogging isnt going to help.

We are all very excited! Anna is under strict instructions NOT to be late for the bus tomorrow which will be a first for her :0)

One more sleep and TT here we come.  Hope you are ready for me Robbie, this has been a long time coming hehehe! 

The race is on...

well ish!

So this time next week will be the eve of my race for life!  I am looking forward to it so much and this week I will be preparing my back plate.  I need to think hard about what I am going to say on it, there is so many words I could say but it needs to be to the point and also show my love and pride in Richard and what he has come through.
I have chosen the photo I want to use.

 I had contemplated using the picture of us as a family taken by the local paper

but decided against it as the focus in my mind on the day will be him and I will be proud to carry his photo on my back.
Funnily enough it is also fathers day the day of my race which i find really symbolic.  Rich is a brilliant dad and the kids love him to bits so running for their dad will keep me going!

The down side to all this at the moment it my left foot.  I have tried to run twice this month and both times my left foot and ankle have been agony.  I have been to see the chiropractor to try and get it sorted out and she did help and I was pain free for a week but as soon as i tried to run on it again, my ankle gave way and its really painful again.  So what to do?   Well one thing I will do is finish the race, that I know.  In what state I will finish it is a different matter.  I have trained long and hard for this and there is no way ill pull out now.  I have decided to join the running crowd and see what happens.

I am looking forward to it very much, the atmosphere on the day is always electric and its so emotional reading everyones stories as you go round the course. Sometimes I wish there was more I could do, and this I will give some serious thought to in the coming months, but for now I will run(?) with pride, love and humility for the man who I love beyond words, for the strength, courage and determination he has shown and for the future, our future as a family.

(Ill also being having a last minute push for sponsorships so if  you have a £1 or 2 to spare, please pop along to my page www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/allyrunsforrich)

Wish me luck!!

A minor (!) blip?

Things have been going well, we have been busy as a family with so much stuff going on that for a second we have forgotten what has happened in the past year.  Its easy to do when life gets in the way, kids are busy with activities and you go back to being "normal"

Little things prick your conscience, like a trip to Tesco this week.  There was a motorbike for sale in the carpark and as he always does Rich said "oooh look at that bike, bet that would fly" and as always i say "There is no way you are having a bike"  Its been a little thing between us for years.  This time was different though cos a little (9 year old) voice pipes up from the back of the car saying "Dad you are NOT having a motorbike.  I dont want you to have an accident and be ill again, you have only just got better and I dont want you to be ill anymore"  The tears started to come but I had to turn away and not let it show, but you could tell it got to Rich too.

Then you hear those words "My shoulder aches again" and suddenly that stomach lurching feeling is back and those memories of chemotherapy and pain and sickness come flooding back.  In fairness he has been overdoing things and wont listen when he is told!  In the past few weeks he has spent all day helping his brother build and fit out a log cabin, then after tea has been going to our building plot to work on our house, he has been mowing the lawn, building picnic benches etc etc (you get the picture) so the likelihood that his shoulder hurt because he has overdone it is a realistic prospect BUT there is always that what if!

So this weekend he is to rest and if there is still pain on Monday then back to the Dr we go :0(  Till then sleep will be a distance memory in this house!  I laid in bed last night and just thought back to the last 12 months, and I pray to who ever will listen that we NEVER have to do it again cos i dont think i can.

It's all go!

Well to say its busy is probably an understatement but that can only be a good thing right?  Quiet times mean time to think and that is never a good thing!

The business is up and running and events are coming in thick and fast.  Lets hope people like my stuff and make a few little purchases so that I can buy some more stock and make more pretty things!!
I have a few new products up my sleeve which I am really looking forward to revealing in the next few months.

I shall also be starting a business blog as well, lets hope i manage to keep that updated as often as this one!

So what is todays blog about?  Well its a shameless business plug!  Cos lets face it you cant get enough exposure can you?

Why not take a look at my website and come back and give me some feedback?
www.with-love-from-me.co.uk

I also want to take a moment to thank my wonderful friends who have supported me from day one and my amazing man who had endured night after night of going to bed alone while i have been sat typing, making, swearing and a whole load of other things!!

So, look out for With love from me THE BLOG!  Coming soon to a screen near you!

It was broken, so im fixing it!

Life that is, or rather me.
My blogging has been sporadic of late, as has everything else in life.
Its a rather long, boring and tiresome story so I wont bore you with the ins and outs but ill provide the basics.

So ill rewind a bit, back to the fantastic day where Rich finished his treatment and we said goodbye to the hospital, only it wasnt a fantastic day, it was a sad day, a scary day because we are now alone!  I dont mean alone in the sense of being the last 2 people on earth, although sometimes it feels that way.  I mean alone as in suddenly there is no one responsible for his care, its just us.  We dont have the security blanket around us anymore and thats scary.  The what ifs are still there, what if it comes back, what if we dont know its there again, what if they forget about him?  Ok the last one maybe a bit extreme but it feels like that as there are no more appointments, no more treatment.  Its just all gone!

So everyone kept saying to me how relieved I must be and I put on the happy face and say yes but inside im saying no im not, im scared.
I felt that I should be relieved, people kept saying how strong I was but I wasnt but felt I should, people kept saying I should be this and should be that and I wasnt and I felt like I was a failure.  I wasnt meeting other peoples expectations of me, but more importantly I wasnt meeting my own and I found that hard to deal with.  This feeling of failure was building and building and building and with the GP withdrawal of my meds it finally came to a head.  I cant quite describe what happened as I dont know, i just kind of imploded.  I decided that the best way to stop letting other people down was just to cut myself off from everyone and everything, friends, family, even my own children.  I just didnt want to function.
I went to a very dark place, somewhere I never want to visit again, it cost me friendships although some will say if your friends cant be there for you when you are at your lowest point then they are not friends but on the flip side, if you cut yourself off and dont allow people in then how can they help?
I felt that I was at a point of no return but thanks to some very very special people, some of who sat up talking to me online till 3am in the morning listening to me rambling the most inane things that made no sense to me never mind them!
But with their love and encouragement I got help, I got my meds reinstated and the cloud has started to lift again.  I have spoken to a counseller who is helping me to put things into the place they should be and not the jumble mix of mess that was in my head.
Im far from fixed, its going to be a long process and I accept that now, I accept that I have to be me, not who people expect me to be.
To help with this I decided I needed a focus, that is what spurred me on to start my business.  It is a scary prospect, I stand to lose a lot if it fails BUT its up to me to make sure that does not happen.  Its something that I can be in control of and I guess that is what I need at the moment.  I lost control of so many things in my life that I needed to regain something back.

I still have a list of things I need to do, I need to regain control of my eating which spiraled, I need to regain my enthusiasm for running and training for my race and I need to regain some normality back in my life.  Im taking steps to do this, baby steps, one thing at a time.
Its been almost 2 weeks now since I fell and I am thankful for the people that picked me up and dusted me off.  I wont forget that, ever.

So there we have it, me laid bare (ish) Its been a tough blog post to write but therapeutic at the same time!  So back to blogging, but with Ally v.2 :0)