That ole waiting game again!

Yesterday morning we went back to the hospital for a consultant appointment.  Rich is still getting a nagging ache in his shoulder so enough was enough and I called the chemo day unit for an appointment.

Walking back through those yellow doors into the waiting area brought back all those old feelings of waiting for test results, chemotherapy, blood tests and the like.  It's amazing how quickly you forget those feelings and also how quickly they come back when you see an object that triggers it.

So in we walk and Rich is sent to the beds to wait.  The consultant comes to talk to him and it was obvious that Rich was nervous as he just wont stop talking!  He suggested bloods and a scan to check the shoulder area.  Bloods were taken there and then but its now a waiting game for the scan.

I really thought (perhaps naively) that once we had the last scan that we would be free of cancers grip, free to get on with living our life as a family, but it seems that cancer is not yet ready to let go of its grip on our lives!

So here we are....waiting for the scan date...waiting to find out if its back....waiting.....

Tomorrow is the day...

that I have been waiting for since last year.  Its TAKE THAT day!!!!  

I first saw TT in concert during their circus tour and they were AMAZING!!!  It wasnt the first concert I had been to but most certainly the best.  The staging and theatrics were fantastic and I loved it all so when they said they would be going on tour this year I was determined to get tickets come what may!  I knew from trying to get Circus tickets that it wasnt an easy task and wasnt looking forward to spending hours trying to get through to the ticketmaster website or phoneline but was prepared.  Then out of the blue, a few days before hand a friend messaged me on facebook to say that a local coach company were running a trip to the concert and tickets would be on sale through them the day before general release.  9am came on that day and I was on the phone and my tickets booked.

I booked 3, 1 for me, 1 for my friend Anna and one for my 9 year old.  I didnt mention anything to her about the tickets until her birthday this february when I put a message in her birthday card to say that in June she would be going to see TT in concert.  She was thrilled to bits!!!

I try and give her as many opportunities and experiences as I possibly can.  We didnt have chances like this when I was her age and would have given anything to go and see my fave bands in concert so I am only too happy to give her these opportunities!

So tomorrow is the day!  My TT t'shirt is in the washing machine at the moment and I have the challenge of finding hers somewhere in the pit she calls her bedroom.  Im not sure ill manage it by tomorrow and sitting her blogging isnt going to help.

We are all very excited! Anna is under strict instructions NOT to be late for the bus tomorrow which will be a first for her :0)

One more sleep and TT here we come.  Hope you are ready for me Robbie, this has been a long time coming hehehe! 

The race is on...

well ish!

So this time next week will be the eve of my race for life!  I am looking forward to it so much and this week I will be preparing my back plate.  I need to think hard about what I am going to say on it, there is so many words I could say but it needs to be to the point and also show my love and pride in Richard and what he has come through.
I have chosen the photo I want to use.

 I had contemplated using the picture of us as a family taken by the local paper

but decided against it as the focus in my mind on the day will be him and I will be proud to carry his photo on my back.
Funnily enough it is also fathers day the day of my race which i find really symbolic.  Rich is a brilliant dad and the kids love him to bits so running for their dad will keep me going!

The down side to all this at the moment it my left foot.  I have tried to run twice this month and both times my left foot and ankle have been agony.  I have been to see the chiropractor to try and get it sorted out and she did help and I was pain free for a week but as soon as i tried to run on it again, my ankle gave way and its really painful again.  So what to do?   Well one thing I will do is finish the race, that I know.  In what state I will finish it is a different matter.  I have trained long and hard for this and there is no way ill pull out now.  I have decided to join the running crowd and see what happens.

I am looking forward to it very much, the atmosphere on the day is always electric and its so emotional reading everyones stories as you go round the course. Sometimes I wish there was more I could do, and this I will give some serious thought to in the coming months, but for now I will run(?) with pride, love and humility for the man who I love beyond words, for the strength, courage and determination he has shown and for the future, our future as a family.

(Ill also being having a last minute push for sponsorships so if  you have a £1 or 2 to spare, please pop along to my page www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/allyrunsforrich)

Wish me luck!!

A minor (!) blip?

Things have been going well, we have been busy as a family with so much stuff going on that for a second we have forgotten what has happened in the past year.  Its easy to do when life gets in the way, kids are busy with activities and you go back to being "normal"

Little things prick your conscience, like a trip to Tesco this week.  There was a motorbike for sale in the carpark and as he always does Rich said "oooh look at that bike, bet that would fly" and as always i say "There is no way you are having a bike"  Its been a little thing between us for years.  This time was different though cos a little (9 year old) voice pipes up from the back of the car saying "Dad you are NOT having a motorbike.  I dont want you to have an accident and be ill again, you have only just got better and I dont want you to be ill anymore"  The tears started to come but I had to turn away and not let it show, but you could tell it got to Rich too.

Then you hear those words "My shoulder aches again" and suddenly that stomach lurching feeling is back and those memories of chemotherapy and pain and sickness come flooding back.  In fairness he has been overdoing things and wont listen when he is told!  In the past few weeks he has spent all day helping his brother build and fit out a log cabin, then after tea has been going to our building plot to work on our house, he has been mowing the lawn, building picnic benches etc etc (you get the picture) so the likelihood that his shoulder hurt because he has overdone it is a realistic prospect BUT there is always that what if!

So this weekend he is to rest and if there is still pain on Monday then back to the Dr we go :0(  Till then sleep will be a distance memory in this house!  I laid in bed last night and just thought back to the last 12 months, and I pray to who ever will listen that we NEVER have to do it again cos i dont think i can.

It's all go!

Well to say its busy is probably an understatement but that can only be a good thing right?  Quiet times mean time to think and that is never a good thing!

The business is up and running and events are coming in thick and fast.  Lets hope people like my stuff and make a few little purchases so that I can buy some more stock and make more pretty things!!
I have a few new products up my sleeve which I am really looking forward to revealing in the next few months.

I shall also be starting a business blog as well, lets hope i manage to keep that updated as often as this one!

So what is todays blog about?  Well its a shameless business plug!  Cos lets face it you cant get enough exposure can you?

Why not take a look at my website and come back and give me some feedback?
www.with-love-from-me.co.uk

I also want to take a moment to thank my wonderful friends who have supported me from day one and my amazing man who had endured night after night of going to bed alone while i have been sat typing, making, swearing and a whole load of other things!!

So, look out for With love from me THE BLOG!  Coming soon to a screen near you!

It was broken, so im fixing it!

Life that is, or rather me.
My blogging has been sporadic of late, as has everything else in life.
Its a rather long, boring and tiresome story so I wont bore you with the ins and outs but ill provide the basics.

So ill rewind a bit, back to the fantastic day where Rich finished his treatment and we said goodbye to the hospital, only it wasnt a fantastic day, it was a sad day, a scary day because we are now alone!  I dont mean alone in the sense of being the last 2 people on earth, although sometimes it feels that way.  I mean alone as in suddenly there is no one responsible for his care, its just us.  We dont have the security blanket around us anymore and thats scary.  The what ifs are still there, what if it comes back, what if we dont know its there again, what if they forget about him?  Ok the last one maybe a bit extreme but it feels like that as there are no more appointments, no more treatment.  Its just all gone!

So everyone kept saying to me how relieved I must be and I put on the happy face and say yes but inside im saying no im not, im scared.
I felt that I should be relieved, people kept saying how strong I was but I wasnt but felt I should, people kept saying I should be this and should be that and I wasnt and I felt like I was a failure.  I wasnt meeting other peoples expectations of me, but more importantly I wasnt meeting my own and I found that hard to deal with.  This feeling of failure was building and building and building and with the GP withdrawal of my meds it finally came to a head.  I cant quite describe what happened as I dont know, i just kind of imploded.  I decided that the best way to stop letting other people down was just to cut myself off from everyone and everything, friends, family, even my own children.  I just didnt want to function.
I went to a very dark place, somewhere I never want to visit again, it cost me friendships although some will say if your friends cant be there for you when you are at your lowest point then they are not friends but on the flip side, if you cut yourself off and dont allow people in then how can they help?
I felt that I was at a point of no return but thanks to some very very special people, some of who sat up talking to me online till 3am in the morning listening to me rambling the most inane things that made no sense to me never mind them!
But with their love and encouragement I got help, I got my meds reinstated and the cloud has started to lift again.  I have spoken to a counseller who is helping me to put things into the place they should be and not the jumble mix of mess that was in my head.
Im far from fixed, its going to be a long process and I accept that now, I accept that I have to be me, not who people expect me to be.
To help with this I decided I needed a focus, that is what spurred me on to start my business.  It is a scary prospect, I stand to lose a lot if it fails BUT its up to me to make sure that does not happen.  Its something that I can be in control of and I guess that is what I need at the moment.  I lost control of so many things in my life that I needed to regain something back.

I still have a list of things I need to do, I need to regain control of my eating which spiraled, I need to regain my enthusiasm for running and training for my race and I need to regain some normality back in my life.  Im taking steps to do this, baby steps, one thing at a time.
Its been almost 2 weeks now since I fell and I am thankful for the people that picked me up and dusted me off.  I wont forget that, ever.

So there we have it, me laid bare (ish) Its been a tough blog post to write but therapeutic at the same time!  So back to blogging, but with Ally v.2 :0)

Positives and negatives

Wow its been a long time since I blogged and im quite ashamed to say I didnt finish the A to Z blogging challenge, I have no other excuse then the fact life got in the way, the baby and I have been really poorley with a horrid D&V bug which almost saw him admitted to hospital with dehydration.
I was going to post about what had happened since I blogged last and realised that it sounded mainly negative so I decided that for every negative I posted I would also post a positive because there are always positives to be found out there somewhere.
So lets start with the negatives and get them out of the way!

Firstly I lost my Aunty last week.  I have amazingly fond memories of her from when I was a child.  Her and her husband lived in Poole at the time and would come and visit regularly.  I would always beg them to take me out with them for the day as Mum didnt drive and Dad died when I was 7 so unless it was in walking distance we never really went far.
Everytime they came to stay they would always bring me a pack of gingernuts.  Random I know but as a small child you look forward to these things!
About 10 years ago they moved down to Pembrokeshire and bought a bungalow that Richard and I had renovated (our first project in property) It was lovely to have them so close and also to think that they were living in something that we had created.
Sadly not long after moving down she suffered a stroke which had a significant effect on her daily life.  I found it quite sad to see how a vibrant outgoing lady had turned into someone who couldn't walk far, take care of herself and had mentally changed.
She died from a massive heart attack but was on life support until they made the decision to switch the machines off and as they were doing all the work it was simply a case of letting her finally go to sleep in peace.

A few days later our lovely farm dog Jess passed away.  Jess was about 15 years old (give or take a year) which is about 70 something in dog years so she was quite an old lady!  She was a lovely intelligent dog who would give you her left or right paw depending on which one you asked for and was very loyal and obedient. When I was pregnant with Jade she would come and lay on my feet, it was then I noticed she had a swollen tummy which later turned into 11 puppies!!!  She gave birth on the August bank holiday in 2001.  I remember this well as it was a few months before I had Jade.
We kept 2 of the dogs on the farm and they were named Ralph and Toby.

This is Jess (left) with her 2 sons Toby (middle) and Ralph (right)
She was beautiful and elegant and I will miss her loads x

I was really gutted to hear the news that the beautiful mum of a friend of mine had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  I always feel that stomach sinking feeling when I hear about someone being diagnosed now that I know what the journey entails.  I do have every faith in the medication and treatment available and am keeping my fingers crossed that it will be as successful for her as it was for Richard.  She is also writing a blog about her journey so why not check it out here and tell her I sent you!

Well, along with the negatives I promised you positives and here they are!
You remember my lovely friend Caz from After Anabelle?  Well after giving birth to a sleeping angel on my birthday last year, Caz is now expecting her 2nd child, a little brother or sister for Anabelle.  It is bittersweet news though as I know Caz will not be able to relax and enjoy her pregnancy this time round like she did with Anabelle as there will always be that fear in the back of her mind and I know she is having an anxious time of things so I ask you all if you pray (aint fussy as to who) then please send a prayer for Caz, Jon and Baby Bow.

This week I have finally launched my Business!!!!  Wow what a lot of things you have to take into consideration when setting up a small business, im still learning about things I need to do such as getting insurance (thank you nellie dean for your help and advice) registering with that lovely tax man etc etc.  Lots of forms to fill in, lots of money being spent out and a hope that things will work out!
So why not come and take a look at my website here where you will find a link to my Folksy shop on the "shop" page.
As well as making new beaded and fingerprint jewellery (coming soon) I am going to be recycling old beaded jewellery to make new designs.  50% of the money from the sale of the recycled Jewellery will be donated to a local charity Adams bucket full of hope who are raising money for a new chemotherapy day unit at our local hospital, a cause which is now very close to my heart!
I have already made one sale from my folksy shop was is fab considering I only set it up last night!  Fingers crossed its a sign of good things to come!

So there we have it!  Some positives and negatives about the past week or so.  If you take a look at my website then I would love to hear your comments about the site and the stock!

Hopefully normal blogging service shall now be resumed, in the mean time a HUGE thank you to those of you who have visited and commented on my blog, you make me smile xx