Cancer and Baby equals chaos!

I have a new blog!

2011-11-06T14:03:00.000-08:00

I have decided to embark on a new challenge, running a half marathon! I wanted to start a new blog to focus solely on my training and the highs and lows whilst keeping this one to record our journey through remission so I hope you will come and join me on my new blog http://halfmarathonmayhem.blogspot.com/2011/11/brief-introduction.html and share the journey with me whilst continuing to read my sporadic posts on here!

Much love to all my lovely readers xxx

Day's of disbelief

2011-10-24T13:52:00.000-07:00

For the most part I seem to be getting on with things pretty well. College is manic, the business is doing well and we have settled down into family life quite well then every so often I get caught out. Something comes along and reminds me that the last year actually did happen and it wasnt really some kind of strange dream.

Last night I was laying in bed reading "Confessions of a GP". As books go its ok, a light read i suppose you would call it. Last nights chapter was about the GP's friend who died from Lymphoma and wham, it all comes flooding back. I was trying to think back to Richie's first few months and all i can remember is hospital visits, leaving him at my mum's, a few times where he came to the hospital and got fussed over by the tea ladies, and they really fussed over him lol! But thats about it. I dont remember that first smile, the first time he clapped hands, all those little special moments that I wont get back and this does make me sad.

I have spent an hour or so this evening reading back over my blog and it is almost as if it has been written by a stranger. Perhaps it is my minds way of coping with it all by blocking it all out but in the process my baby boys first year has been blocked out too, and not just him either, I dont seem to have noticed Sofia growing and changing. She is such a darling little girl (challenging at times i must add lol) and her sense of humour and comedy timing is fantastic. She is a proper little ray of sunshine in this household. Her and Richie have developed an incredibly close relationship and are a proper comedy duo in creche.

It is hard to believe that any of this actually happened, hard to comprehend, hard to understand and hard to find meaning to it all.

Rich said to me last night that he wondered what would have happened had the hospital not found it or he had not gone to the Dr's that day, would he be dead now. I cant even process that thought.

I asked him if he was as scared as I was about it coming back, his reply "Time to sleep now" his answer says it all.

Well hello there, how you doing?

2011-10-08T08:45:00.000-07:00

It's been a while hasn't it! I hope all my fellow bloggers and readers are doing just fine.
So what have I been doing with my time since I last posted? I guess it is time for a catch up!

First and foremost, the reason I blogged, Richard. It is almost 12 months since he started his chemotherapy. Can you believe how fast the time has gone because I cant! When we first started on this journey through cancer the future seemed far away, a day without cancer being our first thought upon waking seemed far away but all of a sudden it is here!
Richard is doing well. He is more or less back to normal although he does get more tired than before but I guess that is only to be expected. He has remained positive throughout and his strength and determination has carried us through the past year.

The second subject of the blog, Richie jnr, my handsome boy!! He really is a little star, such a happy and easy going little boy who really does have a smile for everyone. He is gong to be one on Tuesday, the year has flown and I believe that his arrival has made the whole process easier as it gave us all a positive focus.

Here he is a few weeks ago, ready to knock the girls dead on his first day in creche!

Which brings me on to me! I have made a lot of changes recently, I guess the most major one is a total career change! Watching Richard go through his treatment and observing the work of the nurses on the ward has inspired me to start the process of training to be a nurse. The final outcome of this will hopefully be midwifery but in the mean time I want to give something back, perhaps a round about way of saying thank you to the nurses and doctors who helped us through such a difficult time. I guess the easy way would be to send a card and some flowers but my friends will tell you I never do things the easy way.
So here I am a month into an Access to Health course with a shed load of assignments to do, so much still left to learn but I have fantastic new friends and i predict we will have a ball! So here we are, a new path to follow, a new journey in life and if you are up for it then i'd love you to come along with me for the ride. So there we are, a new chapter in the world of Cancer and baby equals chaos :0)

Calling all my blog readers!!!

2011-07-20T03:09:00.000-07:00

I need your help!

I have been nominated for "Most inspirational fundraiser" for Race for Life this year by some of my lovely friends. In order to win i need lots of votes.

Why should you vote for me? Well you dont have to, and lets face it I cant make you lol BUT if you have read my blog and followed my journey through the last 12 months then you will know what a journey it has been and to gain a little bit of recognition for coming though it would mean the world to all of us!

How do you vote? Just click on http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=question&id=10150333516213689&qa_ref=na&notif_t=question_answer
and select Allison, its as simple as that. To be nominated has been an honour and to win would just be something very special xxx

The most special mum I know!

2011-06-22T04:22:00.002-07:00

There are many qualities that make up a great mum, kindness, patience, care, love, understanding, tenderness, dedication and devotion. The most special mum I know has all these and more.

The most special mum I know loves her daughter "To the moon and back", it's a love that is unconditional and will never tire.

Yesterday the most special mum I know celebrated her daughters first birthday. There were cards, pressies, flowers, balloons and birthday wishes galore.

Yesterday the most special mum I know read her daughter the special book that she promised she would read to her every year on her birthday.

You are probably reading this and thinking that you do all these things with your child too so why is this mum so special? Let me show you a photo of the most special mum I know reading a story to her daughter yesterday on her 1st birthday

Yesterday Caz, the most special mum I know, sat and read her daughter a story.

One year ago, on the 21st of June 2010 Baby Anabelle Morgan was born sleeping. I think the photo above speaks volumes about how much Belle is loved by not only the most special mum I know, but also her daddy who took the photo, by her family who sent flowers and the many people that never met her but love and care for her mummy and daddy who sent gifts and birthday wishes.

The photo above made me cry, it made me angry, it made me sad but it also warmed my heart and made me proud to be friends with the most special mum I know.

I did it!!

2011-06-20T04:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Race for life day.
I wasnt particularly looking forward to the run as it had been raining all week and the track is mainly grass and woodland and from previous experience it can be slippery and very muddy.
We arrived at the course in plenty of time and I met up with a friend and had a bit of a natter.

This is me ready to go!

I got a bit frustrated with the wait. We were due to start at 11 but people were still arriving so the start time was put off till 11:30. It is really frustrating when you have made the effort to get there early and other people cant be bothered to get there on time (but thats another blog post!!)
Anyway we finally got the go ahead to start and I joined the jogging group. We set off and as usual there is a small bit of jogging then everyone bunches up and we have to walk for a bit! Then we got round the corner, out of sight of the public and the majority of the joggers decided to walk, Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why join the jogging group is 2 mins later you are going to walk!! I then had to spend ages weaving in and out of people walking, chatting on their mobile phones *sigh*.
Finally I managed to get up a bit of a rhythm and was enjoying the run when I came to another bottle neck!! There was a puddle in the gateway and everyone was faffing about trying to find ways through it, in the end i got so fed up I just went straight through the middle of it an carried on. I was doing really well until I faced my nemesis.... a freshly mowed field. I suffer really badly with hayfever (great when you live you a farm!) and as I was running around the field I could feel my chest getting tighter and tighter until in the end I had to stop and walk. From then on I had to do a mixture of running and walking.
As I was running through the last bit of woodland, singing away to myself in my head, I felt a tap on my shoulder so i took my headphones off and turned around. A lady had been running behind me and had been reading my back plate and said she had to stop me and give me a hug!!! Bless her! This made me very emotional, how lovely for someone I had never even met to feel compelled to give me a hug!

My back plate

Coming out of the woodlands meant there was only 500m left until the finish line! Seeing people lined up along the route cheering and willing you on really helps with the motivation and im pleased to say it was a sprint finish!!! I finished in 45 mins which is an okish time. I had hoped to do better but the pollen got the better of me on the day but still, I FINISHED!!! and I have made a difference to someones life. How amazing is that!!

Me and Rich at the end :0)

Coming out of the race I felt really humbled to see a lady in a wheelchair being pushed around the course by her husband and I just thought how amazing and how determined they obviously both were to complete the course!

So there we have it! Its all over and done with and the total so far is £1020 in sponsorship money. I have been promised more donations so hopefully I can bring you an updated total soon. So far this year I have raised £2820 for charity, not a bad total for little me! How nice it would be to get to the £3000 mark.....hmmmmm (light bulb switches on above head!)

Tesco made me cry!

2011-06-16T08:01:00.000-07:00

Its probably not the first time I have cried during a visit to Tesco, usually it is after the cashier presses the total button and the amount comes up on the little screen. But today was different.

We went with the specific purpose to buy fathers day pressies for Rich. I have struggled this year with what to get him. My plan was to get him a second hand Iphone but i guess everyone loves theirs so much they dont want to part with them, I know it would take a brave person to try and separate me from mine!

Anyway Sofia, Richie and I were on a mission. We chose our gifts (not very exciting compared to an Iphone but hey ho!) and then headed off to the card section, and thats what made me cry. I stood there trying to decided which card I should get for him from the girls and then it clicked, its not just the girls this year. He has a son too. Now thats not a new thing, after all Richie is 8 months old now (Eeeek where did those 8 months go!) but this is the first fathers day since Richie was born. Its the first time I could get a card that says "From your son Daddy" Just 4 words, 4 very simple words but enough to make me cry!

Rich is a fantastic dad, he is the best that I could have wished for when I pictured a daddy for my children. The girls stick with him like glue when he is home, they love to help him in the garden or in the shed and I love watching him read them a story but I knew deep down that he wanted a son. Someone he could pass on his name to, continue the family tradition, do "boy" things with. I am proud that I gave him this gift, well, all 3 gifts but to have his son, especially at the time Richie was born, just made things all that more special, almost like a gift from someone who knew!

So buying a card that said "From your son, Daddy" was one of the proudest moments of my life. So here it is, the small little thing that made me cry

This time last year I picked up the first funny card I found and a few bits and bobs, I never really appreciated the sentiment behind "Fathers day" after all I grew up without a dad so I guess the understanding and appreciation of the father/daughter and father/son relationship isnt really there, but this year I realise the importance of it for our children. They still have their dad, they have another chance so this fathers day will be a special one for us.

Make sure on sunday you give your dad a tight squeeze and thank whoever you believe in that you have him in your life. Dads are special!

That ole waiting game again!

2011-06-15T06:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning we went back to the hospital for a consultant appointment. Rich is still getting a nagging ache in his shoulder so enough was enough and I called the chemo day unit for an appointment.

Walking back through those yellow doors into the waiting area brought back all those old feelings of waiting for test results, chemotherapy, blood tests and the like. It's amazing how quickly you forget those feelings and also how quickly they come back when you see an object that triggers it.

So in we walk and Rich is sent to the beds to wait. The consultant comes to talk to him and it was obvious that Rich was nervous as he just wont stop talking! He suggested bloods and a scan to check the shoulder area. Bloods were taken there and then but its now a waiting game for the scan.

I really thought (perhaps naively) that once we had the last scan that we would be free of cancers grip, free to get on with living our life as a family, but it seems that cancer is not yet ready to let go of its grip on our lives!

So here we are....waiting for the scan date...waiting to find out if its back....waiting.....

Tomorrow is the day...

2011-06-13T05:33:00.001-07:00

that I have been waiting for since last year. Its TAKE THAT day!!!!

I first saw TT in concert during their circus tour and they were AMAZING!!! It wasnt the first concert I had been to but most certainly the best. The staging and theatrics were fantastic and I loved it all so when they said they would be going on tour this year I was determined to get tickets come what may! I knew from trying to get Circus tickets that it wasnt an easy task and wasnt looking forward to spending hours trying to get through to the ticketmaster website or phoneline but was prepared. Then out of the blue, a few days before hand a friend messaged me on facebook to say that a local coach company were running a trip to the concert and tickets would be on sale through them the day before general release. 9am came on that day and I was on the phone and my tickets booked.

I booked 3, 1 for me, 1 for my friend Anna and one for my 9 year old. I didnt mention anything to her about the tickets until her birthday this february when I put a message in her birthday card to say that in June she would be going to see TT in concert. She was thrilled to bits!!!

I try and give her as many opportunities and experiences as I possibly can. We didnt have chances like this when I was her age and would have given anything to go and see my fave bands in concert so I am only too happy to give her these opportunities!

So tomorrow is the day! My TT t'shirt is in the washing machine at the moment and I have the challenge of finding hers somewhere in the pit she calls her bedroom. Im not sure ill manage it by tomorrow and sitting her blogging isnt going to help.

We are all very excited! Anna is under strict instructions NOT to be late for the bus tomorrow which will be a first for her :0)

One more sleep and TT here we come. Hope you are ready for me Robbie, this has been a long time coming hehehe!

The race is on...

2011-06-11T12:13:00.000-07:00

well ish!

So this time next week will be the eve of my race for life! I am looking forward to it so much and this week I will be preparing my back plate. I need to think hard about what I am going to say on it, there is so many words I could say but it needs to be to the point and also show my love and pride in Richard and what he has come through.
I have chosen the photo I want to use.

I had contemplated using the picture of us as a family taken by the local paper

but decided against it as the focus in my mind on the day will be him and I will be proud to carry his photo on my back.
Funnily enough it is also fathers day the day of my race which i find really symbolic. Rich is a brilliant dad and the kids love him to bits so running for their dad will keep me going!

The down side to all this at the moment it my left foot. I have tried to run twice this month and both times my left foot and ankle have been agony. I have been to see the chiropractor to try and get it sorted out and she did help and I was pain free for a week but as soon as i tried to run on it again, my ankle gave way and its really painful again. So what to do? Well one thing I will do is finish the race, that I know. In what state I will finish it is a different matter. I have trained long and hard for this and there is no way ill pull out now. I have decided to join the running crowd and see what happens.

I am looking forward to it very much, the atmosphere on the day is always electric and its so emotional reading everyones stories as you go round the course. Sometimes I wish there was more I could do, and this I will give some serious thought to in the coming months, but for now I will run(?) with pride, love and humility for the man who I love beyond words, for the strength, courage and determination he has shown and for the future, our future as a family.

(Ill also being having a last minute push for sponsorships so if you have a £1 or 2 to spare, please pop along to my page www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/allyrunsforrich)

Wish me luck!!

A minor (!) blip?

2011-06-03T03:15:00.000-07:00

Things have been going well, we have been busy as a family with so much stuff going on that for a second we have forgotten what has happened in the past year. Its easy to do when life gets in the way, kids are busy with activities and you go back to being "normal"

Little things prick your conscience, like a trip to Tesco this week. There was a motorbike for sale in the carpark and as he always does Rich said "oooh look at that bike, bet that would fly" and as always i say "There is no way you are having a bike" Its been a little thing between us for years. This time was different though cos a little (9 year old) voice pipes up from the back of the car saying "Dad you are NOT having a motorbike. I dont want you to have an accident and be ill again, you have only just got better and I dont want you to be ill anymore" The tears started to come but I had to turn away and not let it show, but you could tell it got to Rich too.

Then you hear those words "My shoulder aches again" and suddenly that stomach lurching feeling is back and those memories of chemotherapy and pain and sickness come flooding back. In fairness he has been overdoing things and wont listen when he is told! In the past few weeks he has spent all day helping his brother build and fit out a log cabin, then after tea has been going to our building plot to work on our house, he has been mowing the lawn, building picnic benches etc etc (you get the picture) so the likelihood that his shoulder hurt because he has overdone it is a realistic prospect BUT there is always that what if!

So this weekend he is to rest and if there is still pain on Monday then back to the Dr we go :0( Till then sleep will be a distance memory in this house! I laid in bed last night and just thought back to the last 12 months, and I pray to who ever will listen that we NEVER have to do it again cos i dont think i can.

It's all go!

2011-05-26T14:38:00.000-07:00

Well to say its busy is probably an understatement but that can only be a good thing right? Quiet times mean time to think and that is never a good thing!

The business is up and running and events are coming in thick and fast. Lets hope people like my stuff and make a few little purchases so that I can buy some more stock and make more pretty things!!
I have a few new products up my sleeve which I am really looking forward to revealing in the next few months.

I shall also be starting a business blog as well, lets hope i manage to keep that updated as often as this one!

So what is todays blog about? Well its a shameless business plug! Cos lets face it you cant get enough exposure can you?

Why not take a look at my website and come back and give me some feedback?
www.with-love-from-me.co.uk

I also want to take a moment to thank my wonderful friends who have supported me from day one and my amazing man who had endured night after night of going to bed alone while i have been sat typing, making, swearing and a whole load of other things!!

So, look out for With love from me THE BLOG! Coming soon to a screen near you!

It was broken, so im fixing it!

2011-05-16T03:50:00.000-07:00

Life that is, or rather me.
My blogging has been sporadic of late, as has everything else in life.
Its a rather long, boring and tiresome story so I wont bore you with the ins and outs but ill provide the basics.

So ill rewind a bit, back to the fantastic day where Rich finished his treatment and we said goodbye to the hospital, only it wasnt a fantastic day, it was a sad day, a scary day because we are now alone! I dont mean alone in the sense of being the last 2 people on earth, although sometimes it feels that way. I mean alone as in suddenly there is no one responsible for his care, its just us. We dont have the security blanket around us anymore and thats scary. The what ifs are still there, what if it comes back, what if we dont know its there again, what if they forget about him? Ok the last one maybe a bit extreme but it feels like that as there are no more appointments, no more treatment. Its just all gone!

So everyone kept saying to me how relieved I must be and I put on the happy face and say yes but inside im saying no im not, im scared.
I felt that I should be relieved, people kept saying how strong I was but I wasnt but felt I should, people kept saying I should be this and should be that and I wasnt and I felt like I was a failure. I wasnt meeting other peoples expectations of me, but more importantly I wasnt meeting my own and I found that hard to deal with. This feeling of failure was building and building and building and with the GP withdrawal of my meds it finally came to a head. I cant quite describe what happened as I dont know, i just kind of imploded. I decided that the best way to stop letting other people down was just to cut myself off from everyone and everything, friends, family, even my own children. I just didnt want to function.
I went to a very dark place, somewhere I never want to visit again, it cost me friendships although some will say if your friends cant be there for you when you are at your lowest point then they are not friends but on the flip side, if you cut yourself off and dont allow people in then how can they help?
I felt that I was at a point of no return but thanks to some very very special people, some of who sat up talking to me online till 3am in the morning listening to me rambling the most inane things that made no sense to me never mind them!
But with their love and encouragement I got help, I got my meds reinstated and the cloud has started to lift again. I have spoken to a counseller who is helping me to put things into the place they should be and not the jumble mix of mess that was in my head.
Im far from fixed, its going to be a long process and I accept that now, I accept that I have to be me, not who people expect me to be.
To help with this I decided I needed a focus, that is what spurred me on to start my business. It is a scary prospect, I stand to lose a lot if it fails BUT its up to me to make sure that does not happen. Its something that I can be in control of and I guess that is what I need at the moment. I lost control of so many things in my life that I needed to regain something back.

I still have a list of things I need to do, I need to regain control of my eating which spiraled, I need to regain my enthusiasm for running and training for my race and I need to regain some normality back in my life. Im taking steps to do this, baby steps, one thing at a time.
Its been almost 2 weeks now since I fell and I am thankful for the people that picked me up and dusted me off. I wont forget that, ever.

So there we have it, me laid bare (ish) Its been a tough blog post to write but therapeutic at the same time! So back to blogging, but with Ally v.2 :0)

Positives and negatives

2011-05-06T14:34:00.000-07:00

Wow its been a long time since I blogged and im quite ashamed to say I didnt finish the A to Z blogging challenge, I have no other excuse then the fact life got in the way, the baby and I have been really poorley with a horrid D&V bug which almost saw him admitted to hospital with dehydration.
I was going to post about what had happened since I blogged last and realised that it sounded mainly negative so I decided that for every negative I posted I would also post a positive because there are always positives to be found out there somewhere.
So lets start with the negatives and get them out of the way!

Firstly I lost my Aunty last week. I have amazingly fond memories of her from when I was a child. Her and her husband lived in Poole at the time and would come and visit regularly. I would always beg them to take me out with them for the day as Mum didnt drive and Dad died when I was 7 so unless it was in walking distance we never really went far.
Everytime they came to stay they would always bring me a pack of gingernuts. Random I know but as a small child you look forward to these things!
About 10 years ago they moved down to Pembrokeshire and bought a bungalow that Richard and I had renovated (our first project in property) It was lovely to have them so close and also to think that they were living in something that we had created.
Sadly not long after moving down she suffered a stroke which had a significant effect on her daily life. I found it quite sad to see how a vibrant outgoing lady had turned into someone who couldn't walk far, take care of herself and had mentally changed.
She died from a massive heart attack but was on life support until they made the decision to switch the machines off and as they were doing all the work it was simply a case of letting her finally go to sleep in peace.

A few days later our lovely farm dog Jess passed away. Jess was about 15 years old (give or take a year) which is about 70 something in dog years so she was quite an old lady! She was a lovely intelligent dog who would give you her left or right paw depending on which one you asked for and was very loyal and obedient. When I was pregnant with Jade she would come and lay on my feet, it was then I noticed she had a swollen tummy which later turned into 11 puppies!!! She gave birth on the August bank holiday in 2001. I remember this well as it was a few months before I had Jade.
We kept 2 of the dogs on the farm and they were named Ralph and Toby.

This is Jess (left) with her 2 sons Toby (middle) and Ralph (right)
She was beautiful and elegant and I will miss her loads x

I was really gutted to hear the news that the beautiful mum of a friend of mine had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I always feel that stomach sinking feeling when I hear about someone being diagnosed now that I know what the journey entails. I do have every faith in the medication and treatment available and am keeping my fingers crossed that it will be as successful for her as it was for Richard. She is also writing a blog about her journey so why not check it out here and tell her I sent you!

Well, along with the negatives I promised you positives and here they are!
You remember my lovely friend Caz from After Anabelle? Well after giving birth to a sleeping angel on my birthday last year, Caz is now expecting her 2nd child, a little brother or sister for Anabelle. It is bittersweet news though as I know Caz will not be able to relax and enjoy her pregnancy this time round like she did with Anabelle as there will always be that fear in the back of her mind and I know she is having an anxious time of things so I ask you all if you pray (aint fussy as to who) then please send a prayer for Caz, Jon and Baby Bow.

This week I have finally launched my Business!!!! Wow what a lot of things you have to take into consideration when setting up a small business, im still learning about things I need to do such as getting insurance (thank you nellie dean for your help and advice) registering with that lovely tax man etc etc. Lots of forms to fill in, lots of money being spent out and a hope that things will work out!
So why not come and take a look at my website here where you will find a link to my Folksy shop on the "shop" page.
As well as making new beaded and fingerprint jewellery (coming soon) I am going to be recycling old beaded jewellery to make new designs. 50% of the money from the sale of the recycled Jewellery will be donated to a local charity Adams bucket full of hope who are raising money for a new chemotherapy day unit at our local hospital, a cause which is now very close to my heart!
I have already made one sale from my folksy shop was is fab considering I only set it up last night! Fingers crossed its a sign of good things to come!

So there we have it! Some positives and negatives about the past week or so. If you take a look at my website then I would love to hear your comments about the site and the stock!

Hopefully normal blogging service shall now be resumed, in the mean time a HUGE thank you to those of you who have visited and commented on my blog, you make me smile xx

Sleep

2011-04-22T17:22:00.000-07:00

S is for sleep, something that used to be a good friend of mine but we have fallen out in recent times!

I used to love 11pm because that was our bed time, we would snuggle up in bed together and fall asleep cuddled up. It was my fave time of day!

Then came the night sweats, I couldnt go anywhere near him at night time because he was soaked in sweat, This is when I first started to worry about him and what prompted me to nag him to go to the doctor. Since then night times have never been the same.

When I first moved in with him it took me ages to get used to sleeping in the same bed as someone else but then it got to the point where I couldnt sleep without him in bed. His arms around me made me feel safe and I could fall asleep with ease.

I have now got used to not sleeping because we are not cuddled up so that is why I am sat here at 01:17am typing this instead of being in bed snuggling up!
Just another sign of how life has changed for us :o(

Reflections on motherhood

2011-04-21T14:08:00.000-07:00

One of my lovely friends posted a link to this video last night and I thought it was perfect for todays post! Its called Reflections on Motherhood. The film makers asked mothers what one thing they would say to themselves if they could go back in time before they had their baby. Have a look...

Did you cry?? I did lol!

So it got me thinking, what would I say to myself if i went back in time?

I would say.....

Motherhood is not as good as you imagine, its a million times better!!

So what would yours be?

Questions

2011-04-20T14:40:00.000-07:00

Q is for questions, as there are still so many unanswered!

1) Why did Richard get cancer?
2) Why did it have to happen when it did?
3) How do we know it wont come back?
4) How will it effect the future?
5) Will we ever be a normal family again?

These are questions that realistically no one can answer but they are the ones that I am desperate to know the answer to!

Rich finished his course of chemo today (cant tell you how happy it makes me feel to be able to write that)but the relief is engulfed by the "what now's"

So 6 months into this nightmare I am still left with the same questions I had right at the start.

Photography - Capture a moment!

2011-04-19T12:48:00.000-07:00

P is for Photography, a passion of mine!

My father in law to be bought us a DSLR 2 years ago and I have turned into a bit of a photography geek! I love taking photos that capture a moment! That moment could be my children sharing their toys, a calf being born on the farm of Rich doing the dishes (that is a rare thing in our house!!)

So I was wondering who fancied joining me in a bit of a challenge? Each week on a Tuesday I am going to post a photo from the previous 7 days where I have captured a moment. I will explain about the photo and why I have picked it and hopefully it will encourage me to pick up my camera a bit more often than I do at the moment!! So who is up for it????

Here is my photo

I took this photo in my garden one morning this week. We had moved the calves from a little paddock into the big field for the first time and the next morning when I got up and opened the curtains I found them all in my garden!!! Its the joys of living on a farm :0)

I look forward to seeing the moments you have captured every week!!

Oh and while you capture a moment, why not capture my badge too?

Ooops

2011-04-18T15:58:00.001-07:00

O is for oooops! Been so busy working on the new business that i forgot to blog!!! My apologies and normal service will be resumed tomorrow!!!!

Silent Sunday

2011-04-17T16:31:00.000-07:00

New

2011-04-16T15:37:00.000-07:00

N is for New, or specifically New Business because that is what I am working on at the moment!

I really enjoyed the challenges of organising the charity tea party and have also been working with http://www.la-roche-uk.co.uk/ which has inspired me to get my arse off the sofa and sort myself out. Although when I say get my arse of the sofa, ive spent all day working on a website and have not actually moved!

So I can sense the anticipation in finding out exactly what I am going to be doing but I am wondering if I have built up enough tension yet??

Ah ok, well my business is called With Love...from me x and I am going to be making and selling beaded and fingerprint jewellery. Now not only is setting up a business a totally new experience for me but Jewellery making is also a relatively new hobby! I went to a few classes this week and got on so well with it and enjoyed it so much that I decided that it was something I could fit in around the children and I can do from home so off we go!!!

So check out www.with-love-from-me.co.uk, the site is still very much under construction but there is a link to follow me on twitter and facebook. It is very scary and exciting all at the same time!!

And (bad writing starting a sentence with and!!) as if she knew, Jo over at http://jojokirtley.blogspot.com gave me an award this evening called Kreativ Blogger award!

I have to link back to Jo (check) then tell you 10 amazing facts about me! Gosh, amazing facts?? This is going to be difficult!!!

Ok here goes

FACT 1: In 2005 I spent a month teaching in Africa, whilst I was there I got to fulfill a life long dream. That dream was to go diving with Great White Sharks

This is me in my very fetching wetsuit and diving mask!! I hoped into the water expecting it to be warm considering the temperatures were hitting the high 40's every day but the sea was bloody freezing!!

This is a picture of a Great White Shark taken with an underwater
disposable camera!

FACT 2: I have sung on TV several times and have featured on a CD with The Pembrokeshire Youth Choir

FACT 3: I gave birth to my 2nd child in 26 minutes

FACT 4: I have never read a Harry Potter book or seen any of the films

FACT 5: I collect sheep!!!! Not the real life ones that sit in the field going Baaaaaaa, although we do have rather a few of them! I collect china sheep and have a display cupboard full of them, all different shapes and sizes. There must be over 100 in there!

FACT 6: Rich is my childhood sweetheart. We have been together since 1995 and have never split up in that time. We are certainly soul mates :0)

FACT 7: I once appeared in a crime stoppers appeal video for an attack in a local playing field. That attack is now part of a huge trial going on locally which also includes 2 double murders!!

FACT 8: I have lived in Pembrokeshire all my life and would be happy to stay here forever, it is truly a beautiful part of the country

FACT 9: I have never broken a bone (that is just asking for trouble isnt it!!)

FACT 10: I am so boring there isnt a fact 10!!!

So there we go!! Now i have to pick other bloggers to give this award to! Hmm lets have a look!

I award

Hope you enjoy reading these other blogs xxx

Mental Health

2011-04-15T12:41:00.000-07:00

M is for Mental Health and I think this post my divide opinion but im going to speak my mind because thats what I do.

This week it was revealed that Catherine Zeta Jones was receiving treatment for Bipolar disorder after her husband had been treated for throat cancer. Now, I first of all want to make it clear that I sympathise with her 100%, watching the person you love most in the world going through such a terrible illness is heartbreaking. You feel lost, totally out of control and helpless, although that is probably an understatement. It is enough to make anyone crumble, I know I did.

I beat myself up about taking my "happy pills", I felt like a failure because Rich was coping so why shouldnt I? I slowly crumbled and it was like I was sat outside the window, looking in on a life that wasnt mine. If it wasnt for the support of my lovely ladies then I would never have taken that step to get treatment. It helped big time and I feel more balanced and able to cope, I can see now that it was the right thing to do.

So thats why I can see why Catherine has gone through what she has BUT and there is a but, I dislike the way all this media attention is focused on how brave she is for signing into a top clinic and getting help. Now dont get me wrong, it does take a brave woman to admit there is a problem and to get help but just because she is famous and loaded does not make her any more brave then the hundreds of "everyday" women out there that struggle with depression. No one publishes their story and congratulates them on being brave.
The only thing this story has achieved (if anything at all) is to highlight the fact that mental health issues do not just effect us normal people, but also the rich and famous. Depression does not care about money and status but if you have the money and the status then you are almost certainly going to stand a better chance of recovery than those who have to rely on people caring enough to help.

Life

2011-04-14T13:43:00.000-07:00

L is for Life. Something you only learn the value of as you grow older.
It is a shame when you are younger that you dont really appreciate the value and importance of life and making the most of it until its too late.
I didnt really do much with mine when I had the opportunity, wasnt really bothered about exams, flitted around in crappy jobs and never really achieved anything. I did however want to be a mum and remember pestering Rich every year from the age of 16 that I wanted a baby, he was far too sensible though and made me wait!

It wasnt really until I became a mum that I started to realise the importance of life, suddenly I didnt feel good enough so I decided it was time to make something of myself. I started university when Jade was a year old and juggled motherhood, studying for my degree and working as much as I could. I got the opportunity to visit Africa which made me reflect on life more and realise what was important and what wasnt.

Sadly as time went past I forgot the lessons I had learnt and started taking life for granted again. But Life had other plans and it decided to bring me back to my senses. We decided to try for another baby, and i thought that we would catch straight away but we didnt, a year later we were still trying, a lesson not to take life for granted.
Eventually I gave birth to Sofia and our journey through life continued. I suddenly started to realise that life was passing us by without realising so decided I wanted to complete our family straight away so we tried for Richie. Again life sent us a reminder and after the initial excitement over the easiness of getting pregnant, we lost our baby at 7 weeks.
I fell pregnant again straight away and was not so complacent about life this time. After Rich got his diagnosis life suddenly became very precious and now I often sit and think about how quickly life is passing us by. I am reminded about that song "Sunscreen" by Baz Luhrmann

"Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh nevermind,
you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. "

How true that is!!! Youth is certainly wasted on the young!

Karma

2011-04-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

What Is Karma?

Karma is a Sanskrit word that means "action." Karma has commonly been considered a punishment for past bad actions, but karma is neither judge nor jury. Rather, it is simply the universal law of cause and effect that says every thought, word and act carries energy into the world and affects our present reality

http://tarot.com/articles/karma/what-is-karma.php

For K I had planned to blog about Karma. Although im not religious or spiritual, I do believe in Karma in the sense that being good to others means that good will return to you, or at least that is what I thought until now!

If this was the case then why does bad things happen to good people? I dont just mean us, although in a sense I do, but also friends. There is Caz who lost her beautiful daughter Belle, Laura and her struggle to become a mummy and so many others out there who have had a horrible time of things.

Its made me question the things that I do believe in, if someone like Rich can get cancer when bad people out there are living life to the full without a care in the world then what is the point of living a good life? Does Karma actually exist? Dont get me wrong, I have seen many people who get what they deserve but I am seeing more and more good people go through experiences they dont deserve and it makes me angry.

Perhaps there is a reason for it? If there is I am struggling to find it. I have thought long and hard about the reason behind all of these situations, i wondered if we were "chosen" because someone knew we would cope? I dont know. What I do know is that we have all survived and I still believe that good things will happen in the future xxx

Just mental!!

2011-04-12T15:03:00.000-07:00

J is for just mental which probably best describes this week so far! Certainly still on a high after the charity tea party on Sunday, was great to meet so many lovely people and to have such positive response about the day.

I thought my day could not get any better until i heard about the MAD awards from Jo over at http://jojokirtley.blogspot.com
I have not heard about them before so googled it and went to have a nose to see what is was all about. I had a read through the blog and checked out this years nominations, imagine my surprise when I find im nominated and not just for one category but for 6!!!!!
Best MAD baby blog
Best MAD Blog writer
Best new MAD blog
Most Inspiring MAD blogger
Most MAD family life blog
and 2011 Parentdish blogger of the year
That is just mental!
I never imagined when i started rabbiting on about the crap that was being chucked at us that my blog would be nominated for awards, especially with so many other fantastic blogs out there.

So I just wanted to say a massive THANK YOU to who ever has nominated me! Having read more on the awards, it seems like a very big privilege to be nominated for these awards and I am certainly chuffed to bits!

I have added the badge link to my page so if you following me and would like to add to my nominations then I would be chuffed to bits. From what I understand when nominations end there is a voting round (I could be wrong, this is all so new to me!!).
At the end of the day though im just so blown away to be nominated! It is "Just mental!!"

Incredible

2011-04-10T16:51:00.000-07:00

I think that just about sums up today!
We had our charity Tea party today, the first charity event I have ever organised and it was just as the title says, incredible!!!
I didnt really know what to expect, I have never done anything like this before so was worried that it would be a big flop but it wasnt!
People were queuing to come in, they had a go at all the games, raffle tickets were sold by the hundreds, people bought and ate cakes, they laughed, spent money and had a brill time!

I set up a tree of thoughts, the idea being that people write a message to a lost loved on a tag and tie it to the tree.

By the end of the day the tree was full and the messages were just beautiful! I tied each one to a balloon and took them up the fields this evening and let them go.
This is me with all the balloons

And this is the balloons floating off up into the sky, delivering the messages to people who are loved and missed

Up up and away!!!
I got very emotional doing this as did Jade who helped me to let them go. I wrote a message to my dad who I lost when I was 7 and Jade wrote one to her Great Grandad whom she loved very much and was very close to.

I was amazed by the amount of people who came that I didnt know and have never met!! Obviously word got round which is fantastic!

I couldnt have done it without my fantastic team of helpers! Who would have thought that there were so many kind and caring people out there who would give up their sunday afternoon just to come and help me out? Such special kind people!!

Anyway I bet you are dying to know how much we raised?? Well, I am so proud to tell you that we raised
DRUM ROLL PLEASE

£1184.50!!!!! Still cant quite believe it myself!!
Such an amazing day and such fun had by all!!

Red Kites Cheerleaders from West Wales Academy of Dance

Me and my mum at the end of the event!

Hectic

2011-04-10T15:39:00.000-07:00

Ok its cheating a bit but i didnt get to post yesterday because I was hectic getting ready for the charity tea party that I was arranging. Sorry :0(

Goat

2011-04-08T15:16:00.000-07:00

My G is for goat, or should I say its dedicated to a very special goat!!

As you may have gathered, I live on a farm. I love animals of all shapes and sizes (spiders excluded) and was thrilled to move onto the farm with Richard and his family and got to help out with the sheep and the cows.
As well as this fantastic home life, I managed to bag myself a job at the local theme park on the children's farm section.
I got to work with horses, cows, sheep, goats, pigs and chickens. I really enjoyed it and loved all the animals. Sadly foot and mouth hit the UK and the managers of the theme park decided that all the animals must go and the consensus was they were to be put down which there was no way I was going to let happen so I managed to find homes for as many of them as possible! Rich said he had always wanted a goat so a goat is what we got! She was born in June 2000 and called Beth.
She was only a few months old when we brought her home and decided straight away that I was her mummy. She would follow me around the farm yard all day long and if I sat down she would curl up on my lap and go to sleep.
Rich made her a little shed for her to sleep in and during the day she would roam around the lawn munching the grass (who needs a lawn mower!!) On the odd occasion she would come into our cottage and curl up on the rug and go to sleep.
I think it amused people who came down to our farm, most people have dogs walking around the yard, we had a goat :0)

As she grew bigger, so did her horns and by God she could cause some pain if she wanted to! She had to be tethered as she would munch her way through Richards mums substantial flower boarders but she had a mega long lead and spent most of her time escaping from it and munching on said flowers!
When she did escape it was like something out of Benny Hill trying to catch her! People would be diving everywhere while she would slip through your legs. At first you could bribe her with food but she soon got wise to that. It got to the point where I was the only one that could catch her but you had to just sit on the floor and let her come to you then as you were smoothing her you had to wrestle her to the ground!

Beth was very much my first "baby". See normal people have dogs or cats as a pet, not me, im different, always have been always will be!!

Sadly late last year Beth did her usual escaping trick and managed to munch something she shouldnt! This wasnt the first time she had done this and on previous occasions we had taken her to the vet who had advised us to give her strong tea to neutralise her tummy. Beth, like her "mummy" was not a big fan of tea so didnt really enjoy this very much but needs must so she had to have it.
This time the tea didnt work, she went downhill fast and I sat in the hay barn with her as she fell asleep, very peacefully.
I didnt get the whole crying over a dead pet thing until that day. I phoned Rich and sobbed down the phone to him that she had died (am getting all emotional about it now!!)
Later that evening he came home, got a pic and a spade and dug a grave for her. This was at the height of his bad shoulder and although he was in excruciating pain he carried on digging. He then came to get blankets and laid one on the bottom of the grave, carried her over and laid her on top of the blanket. He put another on top of her to keep her warm (sob) and buried her in a corner of our garden. He marked her grave with stones and laid her collar on the top of the soil. We said our good byes.

I miss seeing her about our garden, munching on the grass. We have had to buy a lawnmower!!
So this post is dedicated to Beth, the best pet goat in the world!!

RIP Beth, the worlds best goat!!

Future

2011-04-07T13:48:00.000-07:00

Todays F post is dedicated to the future!

What exactly is the future all about? When I was a little girl I often wondered about the future, you do when you are little don't you. I never imagined that at 7 my dad would die in front of me or that I would go a bit off the rails as a teenager. I just thought life would be like the fairytales, Meet your prince, get married, have children, live happily ever after. You dont think about the challenges that life has to throw at you along the way.

I also had a clear picture in my head about what I was going to be. I was going to be a Paramedic and rush to 999 emergencies in an ambulance and help people. I even did work experience at the ambulance station and loved every minute of it then saw a uni course that would help me qualify, but mum said no, we couldnt afford for me to go to university (and being the youngest of 5 she was reluctant to let me go) so there and then my future changed direction.

I never imagined at the age of 15 I would meet the man of my dreams and fall madly in love. I never imagined 17 years later we would still be together with 3 beautiful children and the most fantastic relationship. So I found my prince but he wont marry me, thats fine by me, we are happy as we are, but its another part of my "future" that has changed.

So here I am, 31 years old, a mum of 3 with a teaching degree (very far removed from my paramedic plans) that has been useless to me so far, waiting to hear back from college about moving in a different direction (midwifery) and still wondering what the future will hold. So much has happened since I was little that shaped me into the person I am today but so much is still the same.

Perhaps in 30 years time I will still be wondering what the future will hold for me and my family or maybe I will be contented in life and have done everything I always wanted to do. Who knows, but without the past being the past it was then the future there is now would be very different! (well done if you understand that last sentence!!)

Events

2011-04-06T14:15:00.000-07:00

I have really struggled to come up with a post beginning with E, have thought about the obvious, Easter, Everything, Eating (haha) but nothing really grabbed me until my friend Caz suggested Event!

I am taking part in 2 events this year. One is a nationwide event and one is a local event that I am organising myself.

The first event takes part this Sunday (and is causing me much stress!!) I am organising a tea party at a community hall in our local town to raise money for the Lymphoma Association. This little known charity has been a huge support to us during Richards treatment and provide a free helpline, a chatroom, information on the different types of lymphoma and the treatments available and much much more. I have made lots of friends through the site, some are battling lymphoma, some have won their battle and others have lost loved ones. Each one has a story to tell and each one an inspiration in their own right.
Anyway the tea party is going to consist of lots of tea, cakes, stalls, balloons, face painter, raffle, cheerleaders and lots of fun, I just need to get people in the door, thats my biggest worry at the moment! Keep your fingers crossed for me!

The second event is in June and that is Race for Life! I have done RFL since it came to our town a few years ago, originally I ran for my grandad and my aunty Diane who both died of cancer, then every year there seemed to be more people to add to my backplate. Each year it made me more and more sad that people were losing their lives but it also made me proud that I was running in their memory. This year for a change I am running in celebration rather than memory. I am celebrating Richards life, celebrating the fact that cancer research has been able to help to develop treatments that actually work and that save peoples lives. Thats a pretty amazing thing to be part of. To date I have raised an amazing £1005.00 after starting with a target of £250. We were also featured in the local newspaper this week.

I will feel so proud running (stumbling) round the 5K, I will have a big smile on my face and be proud to be part of something amazing!!

Daughters

2011-04-05T06:02:00.000-07:00

D is for my daughters. The 2 most important girlies in my life!!

When I was a little girl I longed to have a daughter, after all I was growing up in a household with 4 brothers and no sisters. I wanted a girl to bond with and to share lots of girly things with like shopping and hair etc.

I fell pregnant with my first baby in 2001. It was a bit of a surprise to say the least, but much wanted none the less.
We tried to find out if it was a girl or boy at the scans but they were never able to tell so we waited in anticipation. We discussed names and decided on a boys name pretty much straight away. Richard has a family tradition so the boy would be called Richard William. A girls name was not so easy but one evening I came home from a late shift at work and Richard has decided on Jade as a name. He had his heart set on it so I agreed.
On the 1st Feb 2002 Jade Louise was born after a 4 hour labour. She weighed in at 5lb 10oz and was just perfect. I threw myself into motherhood and relished in every second of having a little girl.

Jade is now 9 years old and is such a beautiful little girl. She is full of pre teen attitude and can be quite feisty but she is also kind and loves her little sister and brother so much.
She is a very bright little girl who loves to sing and dance. She is the apple of her daddies eye and they are very very close.
She shares my passion for clothes and shoes which makes shopping a lot of fun and also very expensive! She is a proper dainty girly girl and everything I imagined my daughter to be!

In contrast to Jade comes my 2nd daughter Sofia. For as long as I can remember, Jade wished for a little sister. I decided to finish my degree and settle in a job before we had any more children. Time went by and I finished my degree and started looking for a teaching job. Jobs were few and far between so I bounced from one school to another doing supply work. It got to the point where I realised the job wasnt going to happen and I was getting older so we decided to try for baby number 2. After a year of trying I was delighted to finally fall pregnant with daughter number 2. Jade was over the moon about having a baby sister!
Sofia Rose was born on 7th November 2008 after a 26 min labour!! That was a sign of things to come! Sofia is very different to Jade, she is like a whirlwind! She shouts and demands. She strops and cries and can be a total monster BUT she is also cuddly and funny and loves to play with Jade.
She has the cheekiest smile and is such a joy!

I love my 2 girls very much and appreciate how lucky I am to have them in my life!

Cancer

2011-04-04T12:56:00.000-07:00

Day 3 of the blogging challenge and it wouldnt be right to pass by the letter C without touching on cancer, after all it has touched our lives and has now shaped our future.

Cancer is a scary word, it fills people with dread, it conjures up images of death and despair. When Richard was first diagnosed that is the image that instantly popped into my head. He had cancer, he was going to die. This has been my biggest fear since I fell in love with him, loosing him.

This has been a long and stressful journey, something I never thought would happen to us BUT there is light at the end of the tunnel. It has made US stronger as a couple, stronger as parents, stronger as individuals so I guess you can look at it with the view cancer didnt beat us, we beat it!

Cancer has made us better people.

Building

2011-04-02T09:46:00.000-07:00

For the letter "B" of my A to Z blogging challenge I have decided to go with Building as my theme.

Since I have known Richard, he has always been very practical and very hands on, first with his cars and then when we bought and did up a small bungalow. I was always impressed by the fact he learnt new skills quickly and was able to turn his hand to anything he wanted to.

Just before our first child was born in 2002, Richard decided he wanted to have a go at building a house. I was more than a little nervous about this project as we had only done a little bit of DIY before and neither of us knew anything about building really.
We looked at a few plots locally put there was one that really caught our eye. It was originally a pub car park but the owners had closed the pub down and converted it into a cottage and 2 houses and was selling everything off. We looked at the plot a few times, went away and thought about it, came back to look at it some more and after a lot of consideration decided we would go for it..

The main thing that drew us back to the plot time and time again were the views of the rolling countryside. Standing on this empty plot and looking across the fields was just breathtaking (as was the wind coming off the fields!!)

So once the plot was officially ours we planned out our design and Richard got Auto CAD and taught himself how to draw up house designs. When we completed our design we got it printed out and submitted it to the local planning officer. It was a long and nervous wait to hear if we had got planning permission or not, most people we knew did not get permission the first time so we were anticipating a negative response.
By some small miracle the planning officer passed our design first time and we set off on what was to become an epic house building project.

Everything that has been done to our house so far, with exception of the plastering, has been done by Richard with a little help here and there from his dad, brother, my brothers and of course me :o)

I like to think I was an interior designer in a previous life, mind you how many of us think that!! I think Richard would probably beg to differ as we have totally different taste when it comes to interior design which can often cause minor disagreements!!

We are currently on our 9th year of building. That does sound a long time, and had you asked me when we started building if I thought for one second we would still be building 9 years on then I would have probably laughed hysterically at you, but the reality of it is, life just simply got in the way!
3 children later and a battle with cancer almost complete means our beloved house has taken a back seat but that does not mean there is no progress.

Richard has worked tirelessly on the house on weekends and days off and do you know what? Not even his chemotherapy stopped him! He would have his treatment on a Tuesday and by the Friday was back at the house working. In the 6 months of his treatment he has fitted out 2 bathrooms, laid underfloor heating, finished slating the garage room, installed solar panels and laid floors. His utter determination has seen him get over the sickness and exhaustion and back out to our plot within days of that horrible combination of drugs.

So where are we now? Well below is a collage of a few pictures I have taken throughout the build. The plan is to hopefully be in the house by Christmas but who knows what else life has to throw at us first! It will be worth it in the end!!

Anabelle

2011-04-01T02:34:00.000-07:00

So today is my first day of my A-Z blogging challenge and I guess the easiest and most obvious post would have been about me but lets face it, you would have fallen asleep after the first paragraph!

So todays post is about Anabelle. Why Anabelle and who is she?

Anabelle is a very special little girl. Her Mummy Caz was pregnant the same time as me last year and we shared stories of morning sickness, aches, pains and other joyful things that are associated with pregnancy.
I had a lot of friends pregnant last year which was fab and I got rather excited that some were due around my birthday. I have always teased my friends that I wanted a birthday baby but they all gave birth before or after.

It never crossed my mind for one second that Anabelle would be my birthday buddy, after all Caz was not due to give birth until August and my birthday was in June but out of the blue the news reached me that "Belle" was born on the 21st of June 2010. Now being born on my birthday did not make her a special baby, being born to fantastic parents like Caz and Jon didnt make her a special baby, the thing that made Anabelle special was that she was born sleeping.

Words could not ever describe how I felt when I heard the news, my stomach lurched, I felt sick and sat and sobbed for hours. I couldnt figure out how this could happen. I had never come across stillbirth before and ill be honest, i didnt think it was something that still happened very often. Now I know differently, it does happen, it happened to Caz and Jon and it happens to 17 families a day! 17 families a day go through the most traumatic event of their lives.

How do people cope with such devastation? I guess somehow you do! Caz copes by a number of different methods, one of those is by blogging (you can read her blog here) It was Caz that inspired me to start blogging so I guess its only right that in my first blogging challenge I dedicate it to her and her beautiful Anabelle.

Although I never met Anabelle, I will never forget her, how could I? She is my birthday buddy xxx

The A-Z challenge!

2011-03-31T08:15:00.000-07:00

Oh dear, what have I let myself in for now?
Well, I was reading through a few blogs and I came across a blogging challenge called A to Z blogging challenge as featured by Arlee at Tossing it Out .
I thought OK ill give it a try and see if it helps to improve my blogging skills and give me an incentive to post more often. So what is this challenge?

The idea is you make 26 posts during the month of April, one every day for the whole month, except Sundays when you are allowed a day off :o)
Each post must follow the alphabet theme so on Day 1 you may blog about Apples and day 26 you may blog about Zebras.
I am blogger number 796 who has signed up to this challenge and last time I checked there were just over 852 bloggers signed up to the challenge.

Now I dont have a great deal of time for blogging but I thought id give this a go! So look out April cos here I come!!

Busy times!

2011-03-29T15:38:00.000-07:00

Feels like ages since I have updated my blog so I thought I would come and share with you what I have been up to!
Planning for the tea party is going well! I have lots of prizes for the stalls and amazing prizes for the raffle. I visited the hall last week and I am really looking forward to it now. My main concern is getting people through the door. I have put so much effort into this and I will be gutted if no one comes :o(

Richards intrathecal chemotherapy seems to be going well, he has had minimal side effects from the 2nd dose, just a few headaches. He is half way through now and the end of all this treatment is finally in sight. His hair is starting to return (although a little more grey than it was before perhaps) and he is starting to look more like "my Rich". I still wander what will happen when we finish going back and fore to the hospital. It has been part of our lives for such a long time now that I will feel a kind of emptiness when its all gone!
We were interviewed by the local paper this week which will hopefully help to raise awareness about Lymphoma and get the message out there that you dont have to be old or smoke to get cancer. I really hope I managed to get across everything I wanted to.

I have also been busy blogging for a very exciting new website La Roche Uk It was a fantastic opportunity that I couldn't let pass me by. I have written 2 posts so far and the number of readers is going through the roof! Please feel free to follow me over there too!
I feel as though our cancer journey is coming to an end but my blogging one is just beginning. Something good to come out of the bad perhaps?

So hospitals are supposed to be clean?

2011-03-23T15:54:00.000-07:00

We have all heard the stories of dirty hospitals, stains on the walls, dirty floors etc but I have to admit up until now we have been very lucky with our experiences. Our local hospital Withybush in Haverfordwest has been fantastic. When we visit the chemo day unit it is always spotless, fresh, bright and welcoming. The staff are fantastic and conscientious with their routines. The cleaning ladies on the ward are lovely and they always come and make a big fuss over Richie when we bring him in with us and are must put out on the days when we dont!
When we visited the Royal Orthopedic in Birmingham we were also impressed with how clean it was. Richard has his room cleaned every day and they even went around the bottom of the beds with special disinfectant wipes.
So imagine our surprise on Tuesday when we went to the University Hospital in Cardiff. This is a HUGE hospital with a lovely little shopping and cafe area on the bottom floor. We went up to the first floor and along the maze of corridors until we got to the Hematology day unit. It was yet another long wait to be seen with no explanation as to why we have to wait over an hour before someone even speaks to us. The whole atmosphere is very impersonal and the staff always seem too busy to have a chat unlike our lovely ward in Withybush.

Anyway when we were finally taken into the room where Rich was to have his lumbar puncture and spinal chemo I sat down on the chair next to him and we chatted until the Dr came to do her "stuff". This time the process seemed to be quicker and Rich coped better as it wasnt so daunting being the 2nd session. After the Dr had left the room he was made to lay on his back for half an hour. During that time I noticed the shelf base of the bed had bits on it, there was a bit of plastic pipe which had been cut off something and lots of fluff, then i noticed it was actually thick with dust, so much so I actually wrote "clean me" and took the following photos

When we came out of the room there were no staff around to inform them of the state that the bed was in so we left.
I am shocked and disgusted that such a delicate chemo was undertaken in a room that was so unhygienic.
We are back at the hospital on the 2nd April and I really hope that my message is not still there for all to see on the base shelf of the bed!

My first blogging award!

2011-03-23T13:48:00.000-07:00

It surprises me every day how much traffic I have to my blog, after all it is just the ramblings of an occasional mad woman who is trying to make sense of a lot of things in life so imagine my total surprise when I find I have been given a blogging award!!!

The Liebster award was given to me by fellow mummy blogger Mama Stokes. It is an award for people with little blogs (less than 300 subscribers) to share blog love and spread the word. I dont think I have ever been given an award in my life so I am really chuffed to bits! Now its my turn to award the blog to bloggers that I enjoy reading so here goes!

The rules are:

1. Post displaying the award, linking back to the person who awarded you (if someone could tell me how id be most grateful!)
2. Choose your own blog picks (below) and let them know they’re awarded
3. Hope everyone discovers some new favourites
4. Revel in the blog love!

I choose to award the following wonderful mummy bloggers:
Baby Rambles
Our handmade journey
Tracey - confessions of a mother
Random Mamma
Jo Jo's so called life

These are blogs that I enjoy reading regularly and I hope you will have a look and enjoy them as much as I do!

What does £1000 mean to you?

2011-03-17T14:57:00.000-07:00

For some of you reading this blog £1000 means a months wages, for some its a holiday, petrol for a few months, I am sure you can think of loads of things you could think of spending £1000 on.
For me right now £1000 means the world, it means that there are a lot of people out there who taken time to take a look at our story and think I am worthy of sponsoring.

Running 5K is not a difficult thing to do, it takes a few months training and a lot of determination but on the whole is no big deal. The messages of support have been phenomenal (get me spelling a big word!!) if im feeling down or lacking in motivation I sit and read them all, every single message and I smile because I have such lovely friends, so many people behind me, behind us, who have been there through every step of the journey. Some people I have known for years, some people I have met along the way, some with their own stories to tell, both happy and sad, yet each of those people have given their support which in my book makes them the inspirational ones.

Friendship is a very special and amazing thing and sometimes it takes something bad to make you realise there is so much good in the world. So thank you to each and every one of you amazing people who have sponsored me and taken the time to leave a lovely message of support.

It has taken me 2 months to reach £1000 sponsorship so lets run this race and kick cancer up the arse!!!

The best of news!!

2011-03-15T10:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got a phone call to say that Richards spinal chemo for this week had been rescheduled for next Tuesday. As he was due to go to our local hospital tomorrow for pre chemo bloods I phoned to cancel that appointment. While I was on the phone I asked if they had received his PET scan results so the nurse put me through to the consultants secretary and she confirmed they had received them!
"Hello Mrs Ballard" she said, (I now give up correcting people that actually we are not married) "I posted his results today, give me a minute and ill get them up on screen"
At this point my heart with in my mouth and my hands were shaking so much I nearly dropped the phone!! Then those words came over the phone.....
"He has had a positive response to the chemo and he has no positive cancer cells left, it's all gone!"
I dont quite remember what I said but I think I may have screamed with excitement and shouted yessssss as I punched the air!
Now its funny how things worked out because when we got the news that Rich first had cancer, he broke it to me over the phone as I wasn't home and didn't see him till late that night so in contrast yesterday I broke the news to him over the phone as he was out and yet again I didn't see him till late that night.

I had thought about this day so many times, and in my head the news would be given to us in the hospital and we would walk out holding hands and I would hug him with relief so the reality was a little disappointing but the news wasn't!
He was chuffed to bits when I told him, quite rightly so!!! This is the outcome we wished for right from the beginning but......

.....and I feel a bit strange saying this.....

I feel like its a total anticlimax! Please dont get me wrong, I am SOOOO happy, but today feels the same as yesterday, life is still basically the same. I feel awful saying this as there are so many people out there that would give anything to have their loved ones back, I think especially of Laura who lost her mum and Val who lost her husband recently.

We have a 2nd chance now and must make the most of it. 3 more sessions of spinal chemo left and then we will live from one check up to the next.

I can not begin to thank each and every one of you for your support through this time. I have really learnt the meaning of true friendship. Also for reading this blog and letting me spill out my thoughts and feelings. I am going to continue my blog with general randomness and the continued chaos in my life, I hope you will remain to follow xx

Where am I heading?

2011-03-12T14:34:00.000-08:00

I think this is a question I have asked myself more than any other. Where am I heading in life and what do i want to do. At the age of 31 I think I have finally reached a decision, well when I say "reached a decision" what I mean is finally had the guts to go for the job I have always wanted.

To date I have had a variety of jobs. I have never really settled in any of my jobs as I felt there was something missing, always a yearning to do a certain job and no matter what I did, that yearning never went so I have decided to give in and go for it!

What is this job? I want to be a midwife! I really have a huge fascination in the whole pregnancy and birth process. It is just amazing what the human body can do and every aspect of the 9 months up to the birth and beyond is magical. I loved visiting the midwife during my last pregnancy as I knew so much more than I did when I was pregnant with my first and I could sit and have quite in depth conversation about the more technical aspects of birth and felt so in control. My midwives inspired me to have THE most fantastic home birth, they empowered me to make choices and believe in my choices and having this fantastic experience was the deciding factor.

Now i am not naive and think that it is all joyful and wonderful. Running a forum online with over 200 women has exposed me to a lot of different experiences. As well as sharing in the joy of so many wonderful women who have given birth I have also seen the utter unfairness of infertility, the trauma of miscarriage, the painful memories of traumatic births and the devastation of still birth. As upsetting as each of these experiences are it has only made me want to be a midwife even more.
I want to help women take charge of their pregnancies and births, I want to support them through the highs and the lows and I want to share in the joy and tears and I want to be there at the start of a babies journey through the world.

So where I am with this dream? Well on the 23rd I have an interview for local college. Its just an access to health course but I hope it is the foot in the door, the first rung of the ladder, the start of my long journey to become a midwife. Fingers crossed!!

Inspirational women

2011-03-11T12:34:00.000-08:00

I was reading this blog about inspirational woman this week and it made me think about the woman that inspire me.

I have thought long and hard about this and the problem is there are so many women out there at the moment that inspire me that it would be impossible to cover them all but I wanted to mention a few.

First of all is my good friend and fellow blogger Caroline
I met Caroline in uni while we were training to be teachers. When we left college we kept in touch sporadically through facebook then one day I noticed she was pregnant. I was thrilled to bits for her and we started chatting more often. As a mum of 2 already I had plenty of advice to give plus I fell pregnant not long afterwards so we had a special journey to share. Weeks turned into months and both our pregnancies were developing well and we were both busy making plans and preparing for our births.
Unknown to me, Caroline's world was about to turn upside down. On the 21st June 2010, Anabelle Violet Morgan was born sleeping.
I was totally and utterly speechless and sat and cried for hours, how on earth was this fair? How could it happen to such a lovely couple as Caroline and her husband Jon. I didnt know what to do but felt I couldnt not do anything so i sat and wrote a long letter to her.
Caroline and Jon laid their daughter to rest in a beautiful coffin and gave her a send off fit for a princess.
Since that day Caroline has been a mummy to an angel, she has had good days and bad, and this has changed her forever but through it all she has been there for when i needed someone to talk to. She has thrown herself into raising awareness of still birth and fundraising in Belles memory. She is an incredibly strong and inspirational woman and I am sure there are happier times to come.

Next on my list is another blogger Laura
Laura has such amazing strength and determination and i feel truly humbled by her. I met Laura a few years ago through an internet forum. She belongs to my "Pink world", a very special site I help to run online for women who are taking the journey through motherhood. Laura's journey has been a tough one so far. She lost her beautiful mum to cancer yet she got through it with strength and courage. She has also struggled to conceive which has brought her so much heart ache in the past year or so yet she always bounces back. She is always happy for others when they conceive or give birth yet it must be so painful for her.
Laura will soon be at the top of the list for IVF. She is beautiful inside and out and anyone with a soul as beautiful as hers will be a fantastic mummy. I have every faith that this time next year we will be celebrating with her.

Another lady I want to mention is also from my "pink world" I shall refer to her as "Happy". Happy is most definitely one of the most beautiful women I have ever set eyes on! She has a gorgeous baby boy which she went to hell and back to conceive. He has brought so much love and joy into her world and she is a fantastic mummy to him.
Happy has had a really tough time in the last year yet she has remained focused enough to start up her own fantastic business which I know she will be very successful with.
She has also shown immense strength and determination to get what she wants out of life and her marriage when others would have given up. I know she does not see herself as inspirational but to me she is!

Finally I want to give a shout out to a few others, Dinah and her beautiful twins, Fran, SC, Lisa, Zarrie and Carrie for getting rid of the worlds biggest twunts, happy times ahead for you ladies and also Helen and Charmaine who took and cancer and wooped its ass!!

Every woman on this planet is inspirational to someone and they all deserve to be celebrated.

A day of nervousness!

2011-03-09T15:14:00.000-08:00

Well today was the first session of Intrathecal Chemo for Rich. He was very nervous about it and had been having dreams about the procedure. He never shows this, he is like a swan, calm on the surface but paddling like crap underneath!
I on the other hand seem to have been a wreck the past few days, my head has been like a fuzzy cloud, I have been very lethargic and just not myself. I try so hard to keep up the facade, the happy persona, the normal me cos thats what people expect isnt it. When they ask how you are coping they dont really want to hear the truth, they dont want to know if you cry yourself to sleep, that you are struggling to function, that even getting out of bed in the morning is an achievement! I dont even tell Rich how im feeling because its not his worry, he does not need to know when he has got so much going on in his own life.

I wonder if it is selfish of me to be struggling in this way when Rich seems to be sailing through it all. I have the easy job, i dont have the pain, the sickness, the worry about the future that he does. In comparison my life is easy.and i feel some kind of resentment towards myself for having these feelings but I cant help the way I feel.

In reality the chemo wasnt that bad, not as bad as the usual chemo, no sickness etc, just a little back ache. I am so immensely proud of him, he is keeping it all together without the need for pills, without the dramas, the highs and the lows. I guess this makes him the stronger person.

He has 3 more IT chemos to go and still waiting for the results of his PET scan. I want this all to be over and done with now, i feel like everything is on hold.
I try and focus on a positive future for us all because its all I have right now.

Scared

2011-03-04T12:56:00.000-08:00

So I have had a little blogging break for a while as I have been so busy with others things which makes a nice change.
Plans are going well for the Great British Tea Break/party that I am organising. I have received some lovely raffle prizes so far and am in the process of sending out invitations!
The house we are building is finally taking shape which is very exciting. I have painted our bedroom the most gorgeous colour and have so many plans in my head about how I want it to look and feel. It is going to be a real child free haven!

So with all this excitement going on you may be wondering why the title to my post? Well yesterday we went up to Cardiff for Richards PET scan. This is probably THE most important scan he has had so far, this one will tell us if the cancer has gone and if the chemo has worked. Up until now I have been optimistic about his treatment and condition but the niggles and doubts are starting to creep in.
The waiting is the worst thing, the not knowing, the what if's. He is putting a brave face on as always, never fails to make me laugh and smile every day and I hope that even through all my worries and fears I am doing the same for him!

So now we sit and wait....and wait..... if i was at all religious I guess I would pray but im not so for now I will throw myself into my running and my planning for my tea party.
Thanks for reading my dribble :0)

The old Rich and the old Ally

2011-02-18T14:39:00.000-08:00

As we were laid in bed chatting last night I asked him "When will the old Rich come back?" to which he replied "What do you mean?".
I never did get round to answering that question, just kind of avoided the topic but then he asked the same to me, when would the old Ally come back, instead of the one that nags and moans.

This got me thinking about the old "us". The old us had no cares or worries, we would pack up our tent, get in the car and just pick a point on the map and thats where we would holiday. We would sit on the beach watching the sun set and talk about the future. We would talk for hours, laugh at silly things and relish in our freedom. Along came Jade and the dynamics changed a little, suddenly there was someone else to care for, a new priority for us both. We still laughed and headed off on random holidays but things were different, we had both changed a little.
We got used to being a family of 3, time flew by and we grew comfortable in our roles as parents. Almost 7 years later Sofia came along and it was all change again. A new baby becomes priority number 1, the older child priority number 2 then what ever time is left is for us. The washing mounted up, the rooms were untidy, the garden was non existent but we carried on with the new routine.

Then there was a niggle, an urge that wouldnt go away. I wanted another child and I didnt want to wait 7 years this time so along came Richie, but this time things were different, he wasnt my priority, Rich was or rather his cancer was.
Again we changed, we talked less and thought more. There was less laughter, no impromptu holidays and life had a new routine. I had a new routine, new worries and a new role.

So I think really here lies the answer to my question. Times have changed, we have changed, life has changed. We never planned for this, we didnt even imagine that it would ever be like this. I dont think we will ever be the "old" Ally and Rich, but I would like to think we are a "new and improved" version. Time will tell :0)

Its been a while!

2011-02-16T14:00:00.000-08:00

Well its been a while since I have blogged so I thought I had better get everything down before I forget anything.

Rich has now finished his treatment for the time being and we have had scan dates through. He has a CT scan on the 23rd and a PET scan on the 3rd March. Hopefully they will show that the chemo has worked and the cancer has gone.

I am back training for Race for Life this week and its really going well. I did a non stop run of 20 mins which is bloody amazing considering I couldn't do 1 min when i started! I have been twice this week and I am feeling GREAT!

I have also decided to throw a "tea party" in aid of the Lymphoma Association on the 10th April. I am so excited about this. I have sat awake for hours at night planning and writing letters to people. I really want to make this as big as possible to raise awareness for Lymphoma. I have posters and invitations and so many people who want to help its just amazing. I really hope I can pull this off!

I am feeling great at the moment, so focused and on top of things. I am sure the happy pills are doing their job so lets hope they keep doing it!

Bloggers block?

2011-02-07T15:24:00.000-08:00

As I lay snuggled up to Rich in bed last night I was thinking about what my next blog post should be about, I made a mental note about topics and what to say, then fell asleep all wrapped up nice and warm in his arms.
I woke this morning and sorted the children out then sat down to write but the words refused to come, even now as I type I have no idea where I am going with this post or what I want to say. Delete has been my best friend today, I have typed, deleted, typed, deleted. Each time I have read over what I have written and wondered why people actually read this stuff?

It was a radio show that got me thinking about my blog last night, I was in the shower and had the radio on Radio 1 Sunday Surgery listening to Aled Hayden Jones. The topic last night was death and the people sharing their stories had connections with cancer. It was heartbreaking to listen to but I couldn't tear myself away from it. It occurred to me while listening to the show how little people really know and understand about cancer. One of the questions from a listener was "Does everyone who gets cancer die?" Well technically the answer is yes, they will all die, eventually, as will we all but cancer does not mean the end which is kinda what they were asking.

There are so many misconceptions surrounding cancer and its really frustrating. You mention cancer to someone and they instantly think death or old person or smoking. It is what we have been exposed to all our lives, the dangers of smoking, the dangers of this, the dangers of that but what did Richard do to get it? Nothing! He has never smoked, as long as I have known him he has been fit and healthy, not even a cold!
He didnt go out drinking every weekend, he ate his veg and fruit so what did he do wrong?

If I could only achieve one thing with this blog it would be for each and everyone of you reading this to understand that cancer can invade anyone no matter how old or young, healthy or unhealthy. It does not mean the end of a life as we see it. Our life has ended, our old life that is, now we have a new life, a different path to follow. We are the same people but different.

Happy Pills and stress

2011-02-04T05:18:00.000-08:00

Today I am going to be selfish with my blog post and talk about me! When you are a busy mum of 3 and a carer for someone who has cancer, you dont often have time to care for yourself, or at least that is what I have come to discover recently.
Just before I gave birth to Sofia I was diagnosed with PMDD. I am guessing most of you have never heard of PMDD, I certainly hadnt until I saw my GP. So what is it?

PMDD or to give it its full name Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder is a condition marked by severe depression symptoms, irritability and tension before menstruation, these symptoms can include

Disinterest in daily activities and relationships
Fatigue or low energy
Feeling of sadness or hopelessness, possible suicidal thoughts
Feelings of tension or anxiety
Feeling out of control
Food cravings or binge eating
Mood swings marked by periods of teariness
Panic attack
Persistent irritability or anger that affects other peopleTrouble concentrating
Physical symptoms, such as bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or muscle pain
Sleep disturbances

It is said for PMDD to be diagnosed then 5 of these symptoms must be present, I had all of them!
My dr spoke to me about anti depressants which for a number or reasons I was against, then before I had chance to take things further I fell pregnant with Sofia. During pregnancy I was fine, all symptoms went and I was feeling good. After Sofia was born it came back with a vengeance but before I had chance to do anything about it I fell pregnant again! Again all the symptoms went I felt normal.

After Richie was born I started to get those familiar feelings of anxiety and rage so I made an appointment with my GP and this time agreed to try the Fluxotine. The plan was to take it for 2 weeks during my monthly cycle then have 2 weeks off. I was sceptical at first but decided to give it a try,
After a while i began to notice changes. I got bored sitting around all day and got up and cleaned my house, sounds mundane i know but I had no enthusiasm, no motivation and no interest in anything! Of course I could not see this at the time, but looking back I now realise I had no pride in myself or my home.
I had no energy, I would sleep at the drop of a hat but also stay up late at night because I could not sleep. I had terrible rages and mood swings and would get quite violent at times.
My Happy Pills have changed this, last month there were no rages, I am stable and calm and have interest and pride again, that is until its time for my 2 week break, then i plummet, i get teary, am tired all the time and feel anxious about everything.
Today was my medication review with the Dr and I discussed how I felt with her. She suggested I take the Happy Pills full time for the next 6 months. I had mixed feelings about this and questioned if I really needed them, then we listed out major stresses in my life at the moment
1. Caring for someone with cancer
2. Building a house
3. Looking after 3 children
4. Being unemployed
5. Having a small baby

All of which on their own would be stressful enough but when they are all together then I guess it is no wonder I am feeling the pressure a little bit! So now it is official, I have moved from being a part time nut job to a full time one!

I feel a bit of a fraud, i dont "feel" stressed but then what does stress feel like? I also feel like a bit of a fraud, after all it is Rich that is going through this traumatic experience, he is the one having treatment, what right do I have to be stressed when I am perfectly healthy?

Running has helped. I feel good when I run, i forget everything and I am focused. In time I hope that my running ability will improve and I can use that to fight this stress.

Running and such like

2011-02-02T15:32:00.000-08:00

So far the majority of my blog has focused on our "cancer" life but there are many other aspects that make up my life, its just unfortunate that at the moment my focus is the cancer.

So what makes me tick? First and foremost i live for my children, they are my world. I always wanted lots of children after growing up in a large family with 4 older brothers, the only floor in my plan is I hate being pregnant! I suffer terribly from SPD which makes my pelvis unstable and during my last pregnancy it went out of place several times a week. For this reason, and because of Richards chemo, we decided that Richie would be our last child. How long that decision will last is anyones guess, I am already really broody and so sad that my little man is now a big biffer baby, this was him just hours old...

And this is a recent one of him with his 2 big sisters

The last photo takes me to my second passion, photography!! I have always loved taking photos and tried to take lots of different subjects. Up until the xmas before last I just had a simple basic digital camera but that changed when Richards dad bought us a DSLR. It was the most amazing xmas prezzie ever!!! Luckily for me Rich has no interest in photography and cameras so I got the full benefit of the camera.

I am by no means an expert and I still have lots to learn, but here are a few of my fave shots

My latest passion is running, mainly spurred on by doing the Race For Life but also because its something I really enjoy and makes me feel fantastic afterwards!
I have always wanted to be a runner but sadly have never had the build or the determination to have a proper go at it. This time its different, this time I have a good reason for my running and a sense of determination I have never had before. I get a buzz from completing another step on the training programme I am using (An app for my Iphone called Couch25K) I was a total couch potato at the start, with no level of fitness at all. 5 weeks in and I am able to do just over 4k with a mix of walking and running.
Today the intervals were 8 min run and 5 min walk. I went into the gym in quite a negative frame of mind thinking that there was no way I could run for 8 mins, but i did twice!!! My legs were burning and lungs close to bursting but I pushed myself cos lets face it, I will never get anywhere if i give up!
The next session is a 20 min run, something I have never achieved but this is going to change very very soon!

In limbo

2011-02-01T06:58:00.000-08:00

I think this best describes how i am feeling now.
I didnt sleep much last night thinking about how today would go and what it would feel like to go to the hospital for his last session.
It has become so familiar to us now, drop the children off at mum's, battle to find a parking space in the stupidly small car park then wander up to the Chemo day unit where as always we are sent to the day ward and Rich picks a bed where we then wait to be seen.
This was him sat waiting today:

As usual his assigned nurse Tracy distracted us with her whitty conversation which today took the form of football transfers, boxer dogs and house building. The normality of the conversation between us all would perhaps seem odd to an outside observer but for is it is perfect.
Then before we know it, its all over!
Rich is currently in bed sleeping it off while I am sat here feeling somewhat in limbo. One chapter is finished and im waiting for the next one to open. We have kind of turned full cycle, it began in limbo, waiting and now we have returned to waiting for the next step and being in limbo again.

I am also feeling a little sad that Jade is not the focus of the day and that other people are doing the things for her that I should be doing. Dont get me wrong, i am very grateful to my family for throwing her a little tea party this evening after school but I am sad for her that her daddy wont be there to share it with her but as i said yesterday it is a small sacrifice to make if it means a future with her daddy.

Is this the end or just the beginning?

2011-01-30T17:45:00.000-08:00

I guess this is a significant week in our family. Tuesday (hopefully) sees the last session of chemo for Rich at our local hospital. Everyone sees this as a good thing, they see this as the end but you know what, for us it is just the beginning, just another step in this long journey.
We (although i should say "he") still have to face the spinal chemo, which on our last visit we learnt would be 4 treatments, one a week for a month, a tough tough month.
Then there is the PET scan, the results of which will tell us how the treatment has worked and will hopefully tell us that the cancer has gone.
Then there is the check ups, the countdown until we get the all clear. But even then its not the end because he has his whole life ahead and every ache, every sniffle, it will be there, at the back of our minds, like a silent stalker. I guess in some ways you can say that the cancer is here for good now, because although (fingers crossed) he will get the all clear, it has already invaded our lives and its never going to leave even when its gone.

Also this week our eldest, Jade, turns 9. Unfortunately it has worked out that his last chemo falls on her birthday so we had her party early with her friends and hopefully the plans I have made for Tuesday will make up for the fact her daddy will be pretty much out of it for the day. I also hope to god that this is the only birthday he will have to "miss". If he has to sacrifice this one to make sure he is there for the rest of them then so be it.

There is so much of him that I miss, there is so much of our relationship that I miss, i cant wait to get them back, I will fight to reclaim the things that cancer has taken away from us because if we dont get them back then the cancer has won hasnt it!
It seems as time goes on I get more and more emotional. Cuddling up next to him in bed, i struggle to fight back the tears, the what if's and the why's, I love him so much it hurts, it makes my heart ache to think of all he (we) have been through and i dont think we will ever understand why.

A special friend of mine posted some things in her blog tonight that I can identify with even though our situations are so very different, I hope she does not mind me sharing the bits that stood out:-

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding.

Well the insomnia is finally leaving me so its time to go and hold my man tight and close and pray i get to hold him tight every night as long as I live!

Self destruct

2011-01-26T14:31:00.000-08:00

Today I seem to be in self destruct mode, dont know what else to say really.

I have worked hard on my diet and exercise but tonight i cant be bothered with anything, i have spent the day crying at daft little things, everything just seems too much today.

The end it in sight!

2011-01-23T15:39:00.000-08:00

Dare I say things seem to be going well! Rich is coming up to his last chemo at the local hospital and has so far managed to have them all on schedule. His bloods have recovered well inbetween treatments and I am sure his positivity and relaxed attitude has helped with this.
When we chatted to the Dr on Monday we discussed the Intrathecal (spinal) chemo and up till now we assumed that it would be just the one but he has told us that it will be 4 treatments, each a week apart. This fills me with absolute dread and im sure it does him too. Its going to be a very tough month as we have to travel to Cardiff for the treatment which is a good 2-2.5 hour drive each way which I am going to have to tackle not having much experience of driving on motorways, never mind round a city like Cardiff. Also we will have to go in his car as it is a miracle if mine makes it up our drive in one piece. Driving his car makes me nervous, more so when he is in the passenger seat giving me "advice".
There is a MASSIVE round a bout outside the hospital which scared the living daylights out of me when i was a passenger, how on earth am I going to cope driving round it? This is probably not a big deal and im probably worrying about nothing but the panic is slowly setting in. I must however remember that this is nothing, totally trivial compared to the worry that Rich will be experiencing at the thought of having a needle in his spine! Of course as usual he has not really said much about it but I know him and I know he will be stewing about it and before the first one he will be working himself up inside.

On a plus note, the end is in sight. It does not mean that the nightmare is nearly over, that will be in a few years when he gets the all clear, that is the day I look forward to the most. I cant even imagine how it will feel, or even how we will feel on that day. I wonder if life will change again or if the cancer has put us into a new direction in life?

I am back to the gym tomorrow morning with my big bro. The training for the 5K is going well, as is the sponsorship! I cannot believe in a week I have almost raised £600! The messages of support have been overwhelming and if im feeling a bit fed up and unmotivated I sit and have a read and it gives me the kick up the arse i need to get up and get going again, so to those of you who have visited http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/allyrunsforrich and sponsored me, a big thanks from the bottom of my heart, you people rock!

I do have some exciting news! The local paper contacted me this week and want to use our story to launch their Race For Life coverage. I think it is the perfect opportunity to raise awareness of Lymphoma and get the message across that its not only people who smoke or old people or unfit/unhealthy people who have cancer. Lymphoma is the biggest cause of cancer in the under 30's yet most people dont know that yet they all know that smoking causes cancer!
Im not sure how Rich feels about being in the newspaper, he is a very quiet and naturally shy person but he has said himself that if it helps someone out there then it will be worth it.
I will post the article nearer the time.

Astounded!!!

2011-01-19T14:45:00.000-08:00

That just about sums up how I felt this evening when I checked my sponsorship page
http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/allyrunsforrich
I cant believe the page has only been open since Monday and I am over 70% of the way to my first target. It is just amazing how generous people are both with their money and encouragement. It is really helping to spur me on and make me more determined to do this. I really enjoy running and get frustrated because my legs seem to give up before the rest of me is ready to!
I am using the Iphone Couch to 5k app which i can thoroughly recommend to anyone who is wanting to get into running, I have no running skills at all but this app has helped me to improve my fitness and running distance in a few short weeks. (No i dont work for Apple lol)
Rich is getting back to "normal" now after his last lot of chemo and has started back working at the house we are building. The house is looking amazing! Rich has done most of it by himself in his spare time which is why it has taken us almost 9 years so far, but when it is finished its going to be another huge milestone in this crazy journey they call life!!

And so it begins...

2011-01-17T14:00:00.000-08:00

I am officially signed up ready for my Race For Life which takes place on the 19th June, a few days before my birthday. This year there will be one difference, i wont be running in memory, i will be running in hope and with pride.
If you have followed my blog, or just taken 2 mins just to read this post then please take a look at my page
http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/allyrunsforrich
The minimum donation is £2 and every donation is a step towards finding a cure.
My heartfelt thanks to you all.
Ally xx
<a href='http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/allyrunsforrich' alt='JustGiving - Sponsor me now!' target='_blank'><img src='http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/App_Themes/RaceForLifeSponsorMe/images/badges/badge9.gif' width='120' height='90'></a>

It's only pain...

2011-01-15T14:50:00.000-08:00

That's what i kept telling myself when I was on the treadmill at the gym on Friday. Its been a rather long time since i went running. I went for one session before xmas but then i came down with the flu and then pneumonia so that was the end of my training. The aim of this pain? To run Race For Life and proudly display Rich's name on my back!

I have done RFL every year bar one since it started being held in our local town and although I have never managed to do as well as id like to, I have always finished the race in a respectable time and up till now I have raised £1,659.70 (Which im a bit taken a back by to be honest!!)

Last time I had this determination I was running the 5K Race for Life, 7 months after giving birth, for a very special little girl Evie. Evie was born on the 4th of October 2008 weighing 6lb. A beautiful little girl who captured the hearts of not only her parents, Carly and Mark, but everyone who saw her. A month later Evie was diagnosed with ALL (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia.

Acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL) is a cancer of the white blood cells, the cells in the body that normally fight infections. There are two main types of white blood cells-lymphoid cells and myeloid cells. ALL affects lymphoid cells.

Leukemia cells are abnormal cells that cannot do what normal blood cells do. The abnormal cells are immature white blood cells that cannot help the body fight infections. For this reason, children with ALL often get infections and have fevers.

ALL is also called acute lymphocytic leukemia. It is the most common leukemia in children.

Sadly on the 24th November Evie lost her battle for life, with her parents at her side, she was 7 weeks old. As a mum to a baby of a similar age it really tugged at my heartstrings and I wanted to do something in her memory and as I had done RFL previously i felt it was the ideal opportunity. On that occasion alone i raised £784.50! When something is close to your heart it really motivates you to do something.

This time its the same, although a lot closer to home. This year I have a sense of determination I have never felt before. I feel I owe it to Rich to get myself fit and healthy and I NEED to raise awareness and as much money as I possibly can. In an ideal world I would love to match the total I have raised so far. In a real world I know money is tight for a lot of people and im not even sure I know enough people to enable me to raise that much but I will give it everything I have and try my best.

If anyone reading this has any ideas or suggestions then please post them and as soon as I am able to sign up for the race then I shall post a link to my just giving page.

So tomorrow when I am back on that treadmill and it is REALLY burning I will be saying to myself "It's only pain" after all Rich has cancer!!

Number 5!

2011-01-11T07:01:00.000-08:00

Well that's chemo number 5 out of the way! It was a long wait today, we arrived at 9:30 as usual and were sent straight to the day ward for Rich to settle himself on a bed (after his fainting episode he is no longer allowed to sit in the comfy chairs). Tracy, his assigned nurse, came and put the heat pack on his hand straight away and after a few minutes Dr Mike came and put his cannula in.

Then we waited, and waited and waited a bit longer.......I got a little bit peckish and wandered off to the shop to get some food hoping that by the time I returned they would have got underway, no such luck! I sat and ate my food and then finally about 11:30am Tracy came in with the drips and off we went!

Treatment is always very quick, about half an hour usually. Tracy is very good and chats away nineteen to the dozen about random things which helps to make the time go by faster and also puts you at ease a little (as much as you can be with toxic drugs being pumped into the body of the man you adore) During treatment I often trek down to pharmacy to collect all the drugs that he will be taking for the next week or so. There are steroids (20 a day), stomach settlers, anti gout and 2 types of anti sickness (although he still manages to be sick!) This is a huge contrast to his life before cancer when he wouldn't even consider taking paracetamol for a headache.

The drive home is probably worse than the drive there, treatment has become familiar now, we know how the process works and although its an anxious time, he is in safe hands and we know now what's coming. Today's drive home was painfully silent which made me anxious, was there something wrong and he wasn't telling me? Was he feeling sick already? What was going through his mind? I still cant answer those questions as he is a typical man who keeps it all in and will only show fear and anxiety through stropiness which I have learnt to ignore. I also feel a sense of relief when we leave the hospital, I feel as though I have him back, he is in my care now and I can look after him. I know the nurses on the day unit are fantastic beyond words but at the end of the day we are trusting them with his life, and that is a hell of a lot of trust to put into someone! When he is home he is mine, I can wrap my arms around him and protect him from the outside world.

Today I am tired and frustrated. I feel like the responsibility for everything is on my shoulders and i'm constantly thinking about 3 days ahead, trying to mentally prepare who is going where and doing what on which day. I sometimes feel resentful that this has come into our lives at this time. I got cross this morning that after getting up at 7:30am, getting the two girls up and dressed, Jade off to the bus then Richie up and fed, bottles made ready for his day an nannies, bag packed and ready to leave by 8:45 and all Rich has to do is get up, dressed and make his breakfast then off we go. I am not in his position so I don't know how thought consuming it can be going for chemo or to have cancer. He has said before that he needs to focus on himself and I can totally understand that, this is his life on the line, but at the same time his family need him and his children and growing and changing so fast that he needs to cherish every second with them no matter what is going on.
I lost my dad when I was 7 and grew up not knowing what it was like to have that father and daughter relationship and my biggest fear has always been that I would lose Rich too. Until now we have had our feet comfortably under life's table but now things are different, now we have had a second chance and I need to make the most of life and what it has in store!

Twas the night before chemo....

2011-01-10T14:18:00.000-08:00

I hate the night before chemo, I feel nervous, sick, scared, anxious and a million and one other negative things. I worry about how he will react, how many times he will be sick, how long will it take for him to start feeling better.....thank goodness im not the one having the chemo otherwise id be a gibbering mess on the floor!

We are still waiting to hear from Cardiff about the lumbar puncture and spinal chemo and i am praying that they dont find any traces of it in his spinal fluid, i dont think we could take anymore bad news.

Baby Richie is 3 months old tomorrow, he was born a week before chemo started, those 3 months have passed in a blur and we will always see his birthday as milestone in more than one way.

Isnt it funny how during every xmas hols i always moan about him being off work, but now after being off work for over 3 months im dreading it!! I have loved every second of him being at home with me its just a shame it was for horrible reasons!

Friends!!

2011-01-09T07:22:00.000-08:00

There is one thing in life that you can always rely on and guarantee and that's friendship.

I am very lucky to have an impressive number of friends, these friends are always there day and night, they keep my feet on the ground, they listen to my every moan, they cry with me and laugh with me. They are never too busy to offer advice or "give me a slap with a wet fish". They never cease to amaze me with their thoughtfulness and kindness.

Since Rich was diagnosed with Lymphoma they have been there for me every single day, even before the diagnosis when we were worried about the test results they were there to reassure me.

Now you may think I am very lucky to have all these friends, and that is true, I am blessed with having the most amazing people in my life, but the sad thing is I have never met half of them and probably never will. You see I am a member of a very special online community which I became involved in 2 years ago when a lovely lady I had "met" online needed some help in setting up a forum. I offered to lend a hand and the rest is history. 2 years later and with almost 200 members we are a pretty special and unique friendship group.

These ladies have done so much for me I cant even begin to list them all. Each one of them is special and thoughtful and is always on hand whenever I need them.

I know there are people out there who think that having online "friends" is odd for me its perfect. Whenever I need help, advice, sympathy or just another point of view I just open up my laptop and there they are! What more could you want?

Life after the big C?

2011-01-03T10:41:00.000-08:00

Today I took down the xmas decorations, cleaned the lounge from top to bottom and relished in the normality now that xmas is out of the way, this led me to thinking how we will feel when (fingers crossed) Rich is cancer free.

Will life just go back to normal again or will there always be that "fear" that it will come back? Do you panic with every sniffle/ache/slight pain? Can you ever fully relax? I am sure there are those of you reading this who can offer me some kind of answer to my questions but I know that for everyone their experiences differ greatly.

I have an inspiration, a lady called Helen (I hope she does not mind me mentioning her) . We have never met yet I look up to her and look to her as an example of strength and courage. We "met" via the internet long before Rich was ill. She has been there and won her fight with cancer and has gone on to have a beautiful little boy so I guess that is proof that there certainly is life after cancer. She, along with many other of my lovely friends, has been there every step of the journey to offer support and guidance and to give me a patients perspective to help me understand tough times that little bit better.

For now though this is just a dream, something to look forward to. A time where we are not counting down to the next chemo or blood test, a time when we can make plans and not worry about how it fits into treatment and hospital appointments.

We have a holiday booked for September, our first since the diagnosis and since Richie was born. This cant come soon enough and I live in hope that Rich is well enough to enjoy it too.

Fate?

2011-01-02T12:27:00.000-08:00

Do you believe in fate or is life just a bunch of coincidences? I have been thinking about this a lot today because there are so many things in my life that can be put down to fate that I wonder if it is possible? Let me explain...

Rich was born in Essex, me in Wales. By chance (fate?) his family had always holidayed in this area and decided to move here. Had that not happened then we would have never met.

The random email that was sent to everyone by his friend, had i not replied then we would never have started going out.

When discussing with family where Rich lived it transpired that my Grandad used to work on the same farm as a young man (before his parents owned it obviously) so i already have a family connection to this place.

After we had our second child I was keen to try again straight away, there was something telling me that we needed to try again quickly. The timing worked out as such that baby came a week before he started his treatment, perfect timing really (fate again?)

Rich got a small electric shock off one of the fences on the farm a few months before his shoulder started playing up, this was the only reason he went to the Dr because he thought he had damaged it from the shock, turned out not to be anything to do with the shock but a tumour growing out of his shoulder blade. Was it fate that he had this shock considering his job (electrician) and how careful he is usually around electricity?

Was it fate that meant our last child was a boy? The one thing that Rich really wanted and the one thing that was guaranteed to lift his spirits after diagnosis?

Who knows if these things were just pure chance or if there is a greater force at work? Im not a religious person so im not one for "God's will" or anything like that but it just seems to me that everything is happening for a reason.

Happy New Year!!

2011-01-01T06:25:00.000-08:00

It has been such a long time since I have sat down with 5 mins to spare to write about what has been going on so while I rock our son to sleep with my foot I shall sit and babble for a bit!

Well Christmas has been and gone and it was all rather a blur. Flu decided to hit our household just before so I spent most of it sleeping or coughing. Thankfully it seems to have evaded Rich at the moment with just a bit of a sniffle and a cough.

Talking of which he is doing well. He had chemo number 4 just before xmas and made a quick recovery in time to enjoy the day with the children. I was looking at photos of him last night on facebook and it looked really odd seeing him with hair! It took me such a long time to get used to him having no hair so it seems odd saying this but i do know that i want him to grow it back, i do miss playing with his hair when we have a cuddle!

We are still awaiting an appointment for Rich to have his lumbar puncture and spinal chemo. I am really not looking forward to this appointment because i know he is dreading it too. He has been so strong through all this treatment which has kept me strong too.

Halfway through :D

2010-11-30T07:06:00.000-08:00

Well thats number 3 treatment out of the way and Rich is now half way through the chemo. We are starting to see the "regulars" on the chemo day unit. Yesterday we got chatting to a couple in the bay next to us, she was in for tests in-between her chemo. She mentioned about her wig and I have to say how amazed I was that it was a wig! Wow things have certainly changed.

We saw the same couple again today and it was lovely to have a real life chat with people who "understand". Her treatment sounded very harsh and I felt quite sorry for her especially when she explained that they had planned to go to New Zealand to see their new grandaughter for xmas but were now unable to go.

This treatment had made him sick again, he seemed to get away with it last time. It really is horrible watching him go through all this, I wouldnt wish it on anyone. You feel so helpless and at a total loss as to what to do to make him better. I really cant wait for all this to be over and done with and we can go back to being a "normal" family.

16 years ago today...

2010-11-29T04:02:00.001-08:00

I started going out with THE most amazing man!!
Purely by chance we met, perhaps it was fate? In our school we had an internal email system where you could send emails to friends and teachers. One morning I went to check my emails and there was a message from someone called Richard Ballard, never heard of him before, didnt know who he was or anything about him. I opened the email and it said I LOVE YOU! Wow i thought, thats very forward!! I then noticed that the email had been sent to everyone in the whole school, including the head master!
I replied and said "Why thank you very much but who are you?" It turns out that one of his friends had gone onto the computer when Rich wasnt looking and sent the email to everyone as a joke!
We started sending regular emails to each other but still had no clue who each other was.

One day i was sat in the study area on the computer when an email popped up in my inbox from Rich, i replied and noticed that the computer next to me beeped, I watched and the boy next to me was typing away and the next thing my email came and computer beeped. I replied asking if he had dark brown hair and a certain jacket and bag and he said yes so i said i was sat next to him. He promptly ran away!!!!

In the weeks to come we started chatting in real life and got to know each other better (I was actually going out with someone else at the time!!) Anyway I was so smitten by this gorgeous dark haired boy that i dumped my current boyfriend and on the 29th November 1994 I asked him out and he said yes!!

Rich was not by any means one of the "popular" crowd in school, infact he had never had a girlfriend before me and I remember being picked on by the horrid prissy popular girls for going out with him but I didnt care, I knew he was the one for me and thats all that mattered.

I didnt think that 16 years later we would have 3 beautiful children, be building our dream house and have been to hell and back several times just to get where we are today.

I cant begin to tell you how much I love him, there are no words that describe it. We have a unique bond that grows stronger every day.

What is Lymphoma?

2010-11-17T10:01:00.000-08:00

Did you know that Lymphoma was the most common cause of cancer in the under 30's? No? neither did i!

The Take a Pitstop website was set up to raise awareness of Lymphoma. It says

You might not have heard of lymphoma, a.k.a lymphatic cancer before. In fact, the first time that most people do is when they’re directly affected by it. And that can be pretty frightening. In a nutshell, lymphoma is a cancer that starts in the lymphatic system (part of the immune system, your body’s defence against infection).

The main symptoms of lymphoma are:

Persistent lumps: a painless lump or swelling commonly appearing in your neck, armpit or groin area
Itching: bad enough that it interferes with your daily routine
Tiredness: you feel completely exhausted and can barely function
Sweating: your sheets are drenched at night, to the point where you have to change them
Other symptoms include unexplained loss of weight, cough or breathlessness, abdominal pain or diarrhoea and fevers.

Fortunately, like most cancers, lymphoma is treatable if it’s caught early enough. So if you notice some or all of these symptoms, don’t wait. Contact your GP or call the Lymphoma Association’s freephone helpline on 0808 808 5555.

Reality kicks in

2010-11-16T14:58:00.000-08:00

Up until now Cancer has just been a word, not a nice word i grant you and not a word people like to say, they skirt around it asking about his "illness".

When you hear a diagnosis i dont think it really sinks in until you "see" it.

We got the diagnosis almost 6 weeks ago now and up until this week it was a word, a word that needed drugs. Now he has lost all his hair I can see that Cancer is here, and suddenly it all becomes a reality.

Our eldest daughter can now "see" that there is an actual illness and is not really comfortable with daddy's new hair (or rather lack of it) I guess when you are 8 it is your parents job to embarrass you but I think she feels unsure about it all. I remember my grandad having cancer when I was about the same age and not really "knowing" what it all meant so i guess i can see from her point of view.

The reality of the situation is harsh though. My man has Cancer, not just a word, a real life thing and it sucks big time!

Forever my Hero, my fiance

2010-11-15T03:01:00.000-08:00

I saw this slogan on a website selling Lymphoma awareness merchandise and I thought it was so apt cos that is what he is, my hero!

The 2nd round of chemo seems to have gone so well and im so proud of how well he is coping with it all. His strength and determination is amazing although I feel there is an aspect of sheer stubboness in there too!

Me on the other hand? Im rubbish at all this and I just want to bury my head in the sand and wish it would all go away. It was all going well until it came to the grand revealing of the newly shaved head and then its gone down hill since then, not him you understand, he is still full of humour and his usual self, it's just me. The moment he came out of that bathroom my heart was broken. It broke because I cant fix this, i cant make it better for him, im not in control. It broke because our 3 innocent, beautiful and loving children have to see their daddy like this and see him go through this horrible treatment.

I have never held him as tight as I did last night. I hate that we all have to go through this, I hate that it has to be us :0(

I dont know if I will ever get used to seeing him without his gorgeous thick dark hair but this horrible illness has taken the choice away from me.

Round 2

2010-11-11T14:58:00.000-08:00

So Tuesday saw round 2 of chemo. So far it hasnt been as bad as the first round although his hair is now dropping out and he is getting bald patches where his head rests on the pillow.

Again the staff at the hospital were fantastic and really make you feel at ease through out the whole experience.

This time chemo was given to him on the bed after he fainted having bloods done the week before so we were in a side room instead of the day unit where he had his first session. It was very quiet and not so "social" as being in the unit with the other patients.

I am really impressed with how well he is coping with the treatment, id even go so far as to say he is coping better than me! I feel sick every time we enter the hospital and spend the whole time he is having treatment trying not to cry.

The stresses and strains are starting to show with silly little arguments but we are a good strong couple and we will be a damn site stronger coming out the other side.

The only good thing to come out of this is the time he is getting at home with his much wanted son, they are already becoming so close and it melts my heart to see them together, my 2 special men!

All set for round 2!

2010-11-08T08:32:00.000-08:00

Today went well, his count was back up again so its all go for round two of chemo tomorrow. The consultant was pleased that the tumour had visibly shrunk and that Rich was feeling generally well.

This round should be easier on both of us as Baby Richard has settled down into a routine and also his parents were away on holiday last time so we didnt have their help with the children.

Keep your fingers crossed that tomorrow goes well!

Happy Birthday Piggles!

2010-11-07T13:29:00.000-08:00

Today was our middle child's birthday, she was 2. When Rich was first diagnosed I wasnt sure that he was going to be well enough to enjoy her birthday and that filled me with dread and sadness. Both our daughters are very big daddies girls and worship the ground he walks on. I have been really worried how treatment would impact on them but so far its been ok.

We call her Piggles as she was always a greedy baby and it kinda stuck! Her real name is Sofia (unless you ask her what her name is and she says "Fia") and she has a crazy personality. She is the kind of child who no matter how sad you are she will make you laugh till your tummy aches and always insists on asking for pudding after breakfast. I dont think she knew what to make of today, it was all a bit mental with pressies everywhere and of course cake :0) It was very hectic with lots of people and wrapping paper everywhere! I cant quite believe she is 2 already, only seems like yesterday that she made her very fast entry into this world (26 min labour!!)

Talking about children I have just realised that I have not introduced my other 2 anywhere. Jade, our eldest daughter, is 8 years old and lives for dancing. She is a very bright girl and does exceptionally well at school. Our youngest is rather special, he is called Richard after his daddy (family tradition) and was to be our last child and last chance of having a little boy. Rich has been desperate for a boy since I got pregnant with Jade so i kinda felt under pressure to deliver this time. At the 20 week scan I found out he was a boy. Rich was unable to attend due to work so i made the decision to keep it a secret from him. I felt kinda mean but also excited about seeing his reaction when he saw his boy being born and it did not disapoint. There were several times during the pregnancy that i came close to telling him, especially when he was diagnosed with Cancer but i kept my focus on that reaction and didnt mention a word.

I then started to panic that he would miss the birth and that really upset me. He was there for the birth of his 2 girls and to miss the birth of his son would have been devastating. I think the hospital and consultant sympathised with this secretly as the final diagnosis and treatment did not come until after the baby was born. This helped us both so much as it gave us a week of "normality" where i could concentrate solely on the baby while Rich could see to the girls, they loved it!!

Im still finding the hair loss hard and its not even happening to me! This morning his pillow was covered in hair even though he has shaved it down to a number one. I know i must be brave and strong for him because this is the worst possible thing he can be going through and the last thing he wants and needs is a quivering emotional wreck of a girlfriend so in real life i have my brave face while here I can be the real me!

Tomorrow we are back to hospital for more bloods and providing his white cells are back up then he can have round two of chemo on tuesday. Hopefully he will take it as well as he did last time. I do love him so very much!

Catching up

2010-11-06T14:25:00.000-07:00

Well its been a while since i made my first post so i thought id update and also try and make more of an effort to update more regularly!!

So where are we now? Well chemo has begun, he is having a regime called CHOP which is

c yclophosphamide
doxorubicin , which has the chemical name h ydoxydaunorubicin
vincristine (used to be called O ncovin®) and
p rednisolone, which is a steroid .(Macmillan.co.uk)

It was given via a drip in his hand and only lasted about an hour and a half although the effects were almost immediate. By the time we got out to the car he was shivering and feeling out of it. The afternoon brought sickness and extreme tiredness so he slept the best he could with a very active 2 year old running around the house!!

Every tuesday he has had to have his blood taken and tested to see how his white blood count is doing. The first week after chemo saw him spectacularly faint which shocked the poor nurse taking his blood. Thankfully his blood was fine! The 2nd week they lay him on a bed to do his bloods which was much better. This time his count was low which meant he was susceptible to infections which was terrible timing as our 2 year old had developed a stinking cold! The Dr gave him antibiotics as a preventative and we have been monitoring his temp every morning to check for any sign of infection.

Yesterday we had to go to Cardiff to see his new consultant. He was very worried about this as he thought that being sent for meant there was bad news. This was not the case, his consultant just wanted to meet him and go over the info that we had been given. She explained things in a bit more detail which was useful. Seems the lymphoma started in the Scapula and spread out from there. They have suggested radiotherephy after chemo to make sure that they get rid of all of it.

I can not begin to tell you how glad I will be when this is all over and done with!

The story so far!

2010-10-05T06:54:00.000-07:00

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I will begin!

My name is Ally and I live with my Fiancé Richard on a farm in rural Wales with his parents and grandmother. We met in school in November 1995 and have been inseparable ever since.

We are quite a "normal" young (ish) family, we are both in our 30's and have 2 children aged 8 and almost 2.

In October of 2009 Richard was casually feeding the fish in our pond one rainy morning when he noticed the electric fence had come off its pole so he picked up a piece of wood and tried to lift it back on the pole but being wet the fence slipped and fell onto his left arm giving him a nasty shock.

Being a typical man he didn't mention it at the time until it got progressively worse. Not long after this happened I fell pregnant with baby number 3 which was very exciting!! Sadly we lost the baby just before Christmas day which became the focus of that time. We decided to try again straight away and also booked a holiday to Disneyland Paris as a surprise for our eldest daughter.

Richard was worried about driving all the way to Paris with his bad arm which by Christmas time had more or less frozen up and was constant agony. He went to see the Dr and was told it was just muscular and would heal which thankfully, just before the holiday it did!

A few days before we were about to set off I got a familiar feeling and did a pregnancy test, sure enough I was pregnant again, a month after the miscarriage.

We had a fantastic holiday, our first one abroad as a family. His arm was fine during the long drive and he even managed a few roller coasters!

When we returned from holiday we were eager to get on and finish the house that we are currently building. The pregnancy was going well and we would need the extra room for the new baby. Whilst lifting blocks to build the garage, Richard's shoulder froze up again and he was in a lot of pain. I nagged and nagged him to go back to the Dr's until he eventually gave in. This time he saw a different Dr who referred him straight away to an orthopaedic surgeon 70 miles away. The referral came through within a few weeks and we headed off on our journey to find out exactly what was wrong with his shoulder.

The specialist decided that an MRI scan was needed to assess the damage and the appointment came through for the scan at our local hospital in early August.

A few days after the scan we received another letter requesting a 2nd scan. We apprehensively went along to the scan wondering why he needed a 2nd one only to be told that there was not a sonographer present at the first MRI so it had not been done correctly. This was a relief!

After attending the 2nd scan we spent the afternoon at our local county show. When we arrived home in the evening there was a message on the answer phone from the hospital 70 miles away saying they wanted to see him in clinic the next morning. This was a bit of a surprise to say the least and Rich was reluctant to go as he had an important job to finish on deadline the next day so the plan was to ring the hospital in the morning and make another appointment.

7am the next day the phone rang and it was the hospital checking to see if he was coming to his appointment and when we explained that we wouldn't be able to attend the nurse stressed it was very urgent. After some negotiation we agreed to first thing Monday morning.

After an anxious weekend we headed back up the motorway to the hospital where we met up with his consultant again. After months of thinking we were dealing with a frozen shoulder, suddenly the word Cancer comes along! It was the very last thing we expected and I felt as though I had been hit by a ton of bricks.

Rich was then sent up to Birmingham for tests which consisted of a bone scan, CT scan, bloods and a bone biopsy under general anaesthetic. We had to stay up there for 4 nights, him in the hospital and me in a hotel. Was a bit scary being so close to giving birth, being hundreds of miles away from home, both of us being in strange places and Rich having so many tests.

The hospital were excellent and promised a diagnosis within a few days and that is exactly what we got. They were initially testing for bone cancer but the diagnosis came back as Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. We didnt really know much about this as it wasnt what we were expecting but even so it was still bad news.

I was stunned and could not get my head around it. How can my strong, handsome, mega healthy man suddenly have this THING that kills people?

I had a million and one questions to ask anyone who would listen where as Rich was so laid back and just wanted to get on with the treatment and get better and not really want to know all the ins and outs.

We were sent to our local hospital to see a haematologist who suggested a bone marrow test and a PET scan.

So today, 5 days past my estimated due date he had to travel 200 miles to Cardiff for his PET scan. The information leaflet for the scan says he is not to be accompanied by a pregnant lady so reluctantly I had to stay home alone and pray that baby stayed put until daddy came home. Thankfully it has!

So that's the story so far! Well done if you managed to take that all in, im struggling and im the one living it!

Tomorrow we are back at the local hospital to see the haematologist again. Who knows that that will bring!